As I sit here at 4:18, typing quickly before the children decide they are incapable of playing by themselves upstairs and they ambush me with pleas to play on the computer, I'm trying desperate to suck in these few moments of peace. deep breaths, relax...
only 4 hrs till bed time, well technically only an hr and a half until we leave for church. I can do this. Praise God for church tonight (literally, we'll praise God and THANK YOU, GOD, SO MUCH FOR CHURCH NURSERY STAFF!!! Tonight, I may kiss you.) Of course, our toddler isn't in love with your belly button and her pull up will be on the whole time, so I'm sure you'll tell me she was an angel, just like always - but for me - tonight - you're the angel.
It's been a day that started out so wonderful! Zemirah pooped in the potty, TWICE! Both times on her own without any prompting from me. And then we mixed cookie dough together, I even spoke kindly to my children the whole time. It was 11:30 though and I needed to go pick up potatoes from a friend so that we could have dinner tonight. So, instead of starting another batch of cookies, we headed over there.
When we got home, I forgot to ask Z to use the potty... and then, her bladder forgot to use the potty. So her ballet leotard (the most prized of all clothing items) had to go in the wash, and Mommy had to clean up pee..off the couch...off the clean laundry...
Z went down for a nap. I broke my "no movies before 3pm on school days" rule and let Am watch a movie so I could clean up the kitchen and take a shower. But then I got sucked into Am's movie, Am went to the library with Grandma, I quick paid a bill and jumped in the shower. But Z woke up, and joined me in the shower. So I forgot to wash my body. Then we cut out our cookies from the dough we made earlier in the day. But POWDERED SUGAR IS JUST SO MUCH FUN, the kids thought. So, Amariss would rub her hands in it and clap fervently to make it snow. And mommy started to lose it.
The cookies are baked, today really hasn't been so awful. Infact so many people have had worse days than me so far. I was celebrating our wins; poop in the potty, cookies baked, some cookies broken so we get to eat them! and then came the cry from upstairs.
MOOOOOMMMMMYYYYY!!!!! ZEMIRAH POOPED ON THE FLOOR!!!!!
I grabbed a pack of wipes and went upstairs and found a toddler squatting on the floor in full on poop position. "Zizi, we don't poop on the floor, we poop in the potty." I calmly stated. I stood her up and guided her out of the way. She stepped in it (oh no! I panicked inside) she stepped down. Trying to stay as calm as possible I cleaned off her foot and sent her on her way to clean up the turds staring me in the face. Before I knew it she sat down, and a messy poo butt smeared across more carpet. My heart sank. It's a never ending battle. Then she said "Mommy, I peed on that blue chair!" oh, great.
I sit here, calmed down, being fed plastic baby hands by the toddler who commited the above offense. She's so sweet, so cute. Asks adorable questions over and over and over again. She brought me a baby in a box as a present. If you could hear her sweet voice you would just smile with delight. She is such a joy to our lives. I can't let frustrating days, or frustrating moments steal away my joy in my position as a mother.
Sometimes it is so very hard. I don't like finding myself on my knees cleaning up more pee, more poop, more spilled sugar or flour. I don't like recleaning a mess because I wanted my oldest to learn how to clean it up the first time. In a moment of frustration tonight I spouted off to my husband that I was just so jealous of him, getting to leave the house and have someone else clean up the big messes. (in all honesty, poop really freaks him out, so it's probably for the best that this is usually my job)...
I don't want to lose my joy. I don't want to lose the ache I felt in my heart during the first few days of this sweet girls life in my womb of pleading "God, please, let me keep her!!"
Toddler twos and threes can be so hard, so trying, so exhausting... but in there somewhere is a sweet kiss (but don't try for two!), a sweet smell, a sweet snuggle. It might drive me nuts that she loves my bellybutton when I'm trying to run around the kitchen and she's following me with a hand up my shirt. But, she only wants my bellybutton, and that is a sweet blessing.
She just found her wings that she's been looking for for days. Her sweet voice "I found my wings! I found my wings! I'm flying! It's working! It's working!" oh sweet Z, I love you.
Beautiful =',]
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