The last few days/ last week have been stressful for me and the more stress I feel, the more stress I put on myself. A compounding effect, a cycle that never really ends until finally I just break down and realize I'm crazy.
Lets go back, because I like going back...
I was born an introvert, and although that isn't necessarily a bad thing, I had always leaned heavily on this as a crutch in my life. I realize now that what a lot of people may take as a standoffish or snobby personality was me not knowing how to talk to people, and so I just didn't. If you went to high school with me, you might think its crazy to say I was introverted because I was a cheerleader and on speech team, but those things were acting to me. An outlet where I could put on this invincible shield of that "character" and just be who I was playing.
Deep down, groups of people make me nervous, meeting new people makes me nervous, and starting conversations also makes me nervous. However, I met and married the most extroverted person I know, and in that, I have come out of my shell quite a bit. Although, I still find myself falling into this rut, often.
All this to say, I had a lot of fear of people. So over the years I began to quote to myself:
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And slowly but surely I began to control my anxiety around people. But lately I find myself coming back to the same things.
Not necessarily people this time, but circumstances. Here I am, pregnant, healthy, and excited. But terribly fearful.
and I repeat to myself "God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and of a sound mind."
I pray that the knowledge I've learned over the years about childbirth would give me power, that I would be moved by a deep love for my unborn baby, and that my mind would not be anxious, but that it would be sound - solid, unshakeable.
And it all has come full circle, I'm still fighting fear.
And God is still winning.
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