So I picked up this book for two reasons. First of all, the title intrigued me "You Can't Make Me!" is probably something I've told people in my life over 1000 times, maybe in different words, but the point is the same. It's also something I've not necessarily heard, but have seen on my daughters face. The point when I say "Amariss, pick up your toys." and she looks at me and then goes back what to what she's doing, quietly but firmly telling me "No." And then there is the second half of the title, "But I Can Be Pursuaded" and this is my daughter to a T. The subtitle of the book is Strategies for Bringing Out the Best in Your Strong Willed Child. And that was what I really wanted to hear.
As a parent of a strong willed child (an SWC as the book has labeled them), and a strong-willed child myself, what I want is not to break my child's will but to help her use it to be all that God has intended her to be. Which means, although she has opinions and personal convictions, she doesn't have the right to be outright disobedient, defiant, rude, etc etc... However, this will of hers is something my husband and I prayed and prayed for - daily - in the months leading up to her birth and following. Around age 1, I looked at him and said "What were we thinking???" But now I get it.
I just wish I would have read this book when she was 1, because it could have helped me a lot. A lot, A lot.
Our prayer for Am was "That she would be a woman of God who changed the world, not be changed by it." And our prayer still stands firm as we watch her grow in knowledge and stature.
I'd say this book won my heart when in chapter 1, just a few pages in she writes:
"I often remind parents of SWC's that their children may change the world -- afterall, it's not likely that the world is going to change them! Your SWC may be God's instrument for making the world a better place."
And that right there was what I needed to hear. We're on the same page, that is exactly what I want for my daughter and her strong will, which incidentally proves to be much larger than mine. Hard to imagine, I know.
Although I can't cover every point of this book that stood out to me, is helping me with my parenting, or I think will prove helpful to you in yours - let me cover some of my favorite points.
"In order to avoid a confrontation when you want your child to obey you, ask yourself these important questions: Is it worth it? Is this battle worth fighting? Will this improve the quality of our relationship?"
"[SWC's] are genuinely trying to figure out what to think and how to stay in control of our world."
"As you work to get your SWC's cooperation, keep reminding yourself to focus on the point of each task. What are you trying to accomplish? Is there another way to do it? Are you challeging your child to think about the possiblities? Are you prepared to let him or her actually try some of those possibilities?"
"for the SWC there is a difference between procrastination and a lack of inspiration."
"What will it take to inspire me?"
"There's nothing so motivating as being recognized and appreciated for achieving a difficult goal."
"The behavior and attitude of your SWC will improveas you point out the areas where he or she has made a difference."
"In the real world, you get hired for the ver attributes that ge you into trouble at school!"
"You cannot excuse bad behavior; you cannot allow criminal actiity; you must not let your SWC by on special exemptions or priveleges. By the same token, you dare not assume that something is inheretnly wrong with your SWC because he or she iwll not do things your way or a certain educator's way."
"God wants each of us to come to Him and to serve Him in a way that enhances the very personality He created within us."
""Don't remind me of my failures. Keep emphasizing the progression of my successes."
Those are just a few of my favorite quotes from this book, and I can tell you it is FULL to the brim with information that can help any relationship between a parent and their strong-willed child. And as a strong-willed child, it has helped me to identify areas that I saw as weakness as parts of my character and shape me to who I am made to be, in God's image. I just need a little bit of refining here and there.
Another point, please don't think that this book is a resource encouraging you to not discipline your children. Although it never says how to discipline your children, it definately does not excuse bad behavior. At one point in the book she makes the point that SWC's will often times test the boundaries of their parents to make sure that they really do what they said they were going to do. We're just checking to see if you really do love us, and really are going to make the effort. So each time I let me girl push my boundaries a little further and a little further, I'm not showing her how much I love her. This really hit home with me, as I tend to be a push-over when it comes to that cute little face and her smile and oh gosh, she gets me every time. But I'm getting better. Once is it, I told you what I expected, I told you the consequence, now I must follow through.
If I had the resources I would carry copies of this book around with me and just start handing them out to parents, friends, everyone!
Please, please read this book! It has changed our world around here as I better understand my little girl.
It is a parenting must read!
Maybe someday I'll have a giveaway and a lucky reader can get one for free!!
(I really do love this book that much!)
And I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the book:
"If you want to motivate me, inspire me. If you want to direct me, lead the way. If you want to encourage my ambition, ignite the fire with your enthusiasm."
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