I've been reading parenting books since before my daughter was born. I'm always looking for something that can give us insight into a baby's, toddler's, and now preschooler's brain. I love to read stories from parents who have "been there...tried that".
But one thing that I'm learning from all of this reading is - what looks simple and clear-cut on paper is not simple and clear-cut in real life.
Even on my best day, in a fabulous mood, its hard to implement the suggestions in this book. I'm thankful that the way I respond today does not permanently affect her life! I am thankful that my little girl is growing up understanding that sometimes Mommy has to apologize for her attitude, sometimes Mommy needs to take a time-out.
The books are usually right, and even their disclaimer that its easier said that done - won't always set you up for just how much easier it is said than done. Speaking in a soft voice - all the time - doesn't come naturally and may take some practice. Explaining clearly my expectations (in 3 yr old terms) doesn't come easily when I would think my kid should be able to read and understand my mind...duh. Immediately following through with consequences for disobedience is very time consuming (and sometimes I just don't feel like I have time for it.)
But I'm thankful for her patience, God's grace, and the knowledge that she is growing in beauty and grace inside and out - even though I haven't reached parenting perfection.
11.09.2011
20 and Counting
So, I'm going to step out on a limb here and talk about a subject that is surprisingly very controversial.
Drum roll please.......
Michelle Duggar!
If you live under a rock, and don't know who Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar (along with their beautiful brood) are - they are the family behind the hit reality TV show series 19 Kids and Counting.
Yesterday they announced on the today show that they are officially expecting baby #20! Which, came as a surprise to some, not much of a surprise to others. I figured it would be coming one of these days.
I have to admit first that I am a dedicated fan of 19 Kids and Counting, I love their parenting philosophy and although I do not really want 19 kids (or more) I do love the way they are raising their children to love and respect each other as well as having a deep a firm knowledge of what they believe and why. Something I hope to instill in my children.
Today I adress only 1 small part of the controversy surrounding Jim Bob and Michelle and their desire for as many children as God chooses to give them. What I've heard from some moms is that becuase of her history of preeclampsia and the premature birth with their last baby, Josie, she is taking unnecessary risk by even allowing herself to get pregnant. She is putting her baby at risk and she is also putting herself at risk.
So, here I go...
I am pro-life, and pro-life means life begins at conception and ends at natural death. "From conception to natural death" as some people would say. So if infact your claim that Michelle Duggar should not get pregnant again because she is putting the life of her unborn child at risk, then infact you would say to me that I should not get pregnant again becuase I put the life of my unborn child at risk.
I have a greater chance of miscarrying a child than carrying one at this point. My odds are 2:6. Not good. She however has had 1 miscarriage (her very first child) and 1 born prematurely and 2 with preeclampsia. Out of 19 pregnancies (1 set of twins). So her odds are much better than mine. And as my mom made clear to me this afternoon, when I miscarry a baby it is not my baby who has lost, it is me. My child lives a full life, in heaven, pain free - in the arms of Jesus, something I fully look forward to at the end of my own life.
And as for the possibility that she puts herself at risk of death by carrying another child. My own grandmother died in childbirth. She was birthing her 6th child who also died with her. The risk of a woman dying in childbirth today is much lower than it were many years ago, but yet families were still large many years ago. My piano teacher was 1 of 20 children in her family, and I don't think they were odd balls. I think Michelle knows the risk but yet, she knows her God better. She knows that ultimately whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. She puts a tremendous amount of trust in his hands - which is something I still struggle with.
Do I think its right for any person to decide what is the "right" number of children for any other family - no. It's not, it's not your family. You don't have the right.
I want a large family someday, 20 kids would be pushing it... but of course I have no idea what God has instore for us. So, you may think I'm crazy, you may think they're crazy - but why. Why are they crazy? Because they love their children?
There is no crime or crazy in loving your children and knowing that in all things God has the best plan for your life.
Drum roll please.......
Michelle Duggar!
If you live under a rock, and don't know who Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar (along with their beautiful brood) are - they are the family behind the hit reality TV show series 19 Kids and Counting.
Yesterday they announced on the today show that they are officially expecting baby #20! Which, came as a surprise to some, not much of a surprise to others. I figured it would be coming one of these days.
I have to admit first that I am a dedicated fan of 19 Kids and Counting, I love their parenting philosophy and although I do not really want 19 kids (or more) I do love the way they are raising their children to love and respect each other as well as having a deep a firm knowledge of what they believe and why. Something I hope to instill in my children.
Today I adress only 1 small part of the controversy surrounding Jim Bob and Michelle and their desire for as many children as God chooses to give them. What I've heard from some moms is that becuase of her history of preeclampsia and the premature birth with their last baby, Josie, she is taking unnecessary risk by even allowing herself to get pregnant. She is putting her baby at risk and she is also putting herself at risk.
So, here I go...
I am pro-life, and pro-life means life begins at conception and ends at natural death. "From conception to natural death" as some people would say. So if infact your claim that Michelle Duggar should not get pregnant again because she is putting the life of her unborn child at risk, then infact you would say to me that I should not get pregnant again becuase I put the life of my unborn child at risk.
I have a greater chance of miscarrying a child than carrying one at this point. My odds are 2:6. Not good. She however has had 1 miscarriage (her very first child) and 1 born prematurely and 2 with preeclampsia. Out of 19 pregnancies (1 set of twins). So her odds are much better than mine. And as my mom made clear to me this afternoon, when I miscarry a baby it is not my baby who has lost, it is me. My child lives a full life, in heaven, pain free - in the arms of Jesus, something I fully look forward to at the end of my own life.
And as for the possibility that she puts herself at risk of death by carrying another child. My own grandmother died in childbirth. She was birthing her 6th child who also died with her. The risk of a woman dying in childbirth today is much lower than it were many years ago, but yet families were still large many years ago. My piano teacher was 1 of 20 children in her family, and I don't think they were odd balls. I think Michelle knows the risk but yet, she knows her God better. She knows that ultimately whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. She puts a tremendous amount of trust in his hands - which is something I still struggle with.
Do I think its right for any person to decide what is the "right" number of children for any other family - no. It's not, it's not your family. You don't have the right.
I want a large family someday, 20 kids would be pushing it... but of course I have no idea what God has instore for us. So, you may think I'm crazy, you may think they're crazy - but why. Why are they crazy? Because they love their children?
There is no crime or crazy in loving your children and knowing that in all things God has the best plan for your life.
11.08.2011
It's My Eighth and I'm still Scared...
I originally posted this on my other blog These Things I Know but felt that it would fit here too.
I have been wanting to write for weeks, maybe months, but I am exhausted. I think of something to write about and 5 minutes later I'm asleep on the couch, the thought completely gone from my brain.
So my hope is that when I start writing, maybe something amazing will just come to me. Something awe-inspiring...something wow.
I'm pregnant, and with that in me comes strange emotions not normally found in my life. Tears, giggles, and rude comments will all come from my mouth within seconds of each other and I feel as if I have no control over it. It's, frankly, a little embarassing sometimes.
Last night was one of those such moments. I went to a meeting that I was thoroughly looking forward to, a group of amazing women that I have the priveledge of surrounding myself with, all talking about childbirth and bringing better childbirth to our community. Right up my alley...I love it!
But last night, I had the giggles. I had recently found out some information that was quite shocking - and frankly - hilarious, and anything anyone said just made me want to laugh at the hilarity of my present situation. So between massive fits of giggles (where my fellow peeps stared at me like I was nuts, because I am a little nuts right now).
It came out among this group to the few who didn't know, that I am pregnant... And for whatever reason last night, I just did not want to acknowledge the fact. I'm very happy that I'm pregnant, it has been a long and very heartbreaking road to get here, but last night I just didn't want to talk about it.
Most of the time I'm very excited about my pregnancy, well, really - all the time - but it still seems so unreal to me. I don't have a belly yet, I don't feel the baby move yet, my sickness is abating, it all seems so foreign now.
A woman asked me if it was my second child and, logically, the answer is yes.
But to me the answer is no.
In the past few months, I've become so connected to those babies that I haven't met, that it breaks my heart to not tell people about them. But it wasn't the place the mention that I had 6 others in heaven that I haven't met yet.
As everyone around me answered for me - yes its her second, and I mumbled, yah its my second.... I thought, "but its not. It's not my second, its my eighth and I'm still scared."
Everything tells me its going to be okay, that I get to meet this one, but can I just tell you that I've been burned, bad. And I'm still scared. I feel it everyday and it irritates me to no end. I can't wait for the day when I know, I just know that its all going to be okay.
I sure hope it comes soon, I pray it comes soon.
thank you for sticking with my random post, sure didn't know it would lead here!
I have been wanting to write for weeks, maybe months, but I am exhausted. I think of something to write about and 5 minutes later I'm asleep on the couch, the thought completely gone from my brain.
So my hope is that when I start writing, maybe something amazing will just come to me. Something awe-inspiring...something wow.
I'm pregnant, and with that in me comes strange emotions not normally found in my life. Tears, giggles, and rude comments will all come from my mouth within seconds of each other and I feel as if I have no control over it. It's, frankly, a little embarassing sometimes.
Last night was one of those such moments. I went to a meeting that I was thoroughly looking forward to, a group of amazing women that I have the priveledge of surrounding myself with, all talking about childbirth and bringing better childbirth to our community. Right up my alley...I love it!
But last night, I had the giggles. I had recently found out some information that was quite shocking - and frankly - hilarious, and anything anyone said just made me want to laugh at the hilarity of my present situation. So between massive fits of giggles (where my fellow peeps stared at me like I was nuts, because I am a little nuts right now).
It came out among this group to the few who didn't know, that I am pregnant... And for whatever reason last night, I just did not want to acknowledge the fact. I'm very happy that I'm pregnant, it has been a long and very heartbreaking road to get here, but last night I just didn't want to talk about it.
Most of the time I'm very excited about my pregnancy, well, really - all the time - but it still seems so unreal to me. I don't have a belly yet, I don't feel the baby move yet, my sickness is abating, it all seems so foreign now.
A woman asked me if it was my second child and, logically, the answer is yes.
But to me the answer is no.
In the past few months, I've become so connected to those babies that I haven't met, that it breaks my heart to not tell people about them. But it wasn't the place the mention that I had 6 others in heaven that I haven't met yet.
As everyone around me answered for me - yes its her second, and I mumbled, yah its my second.... I thought, "but its not. It's not my second, its my eighth and I'm still scared."
Everything tells me its going to be okay, that I get to meet this one, but can I just tell you that I've been burned, bad. And I'm still scared. I feel it everyday and it irritates me to no end. I can't wait for the day when I know, I just know that its all going to be okay.
I sure hope it comes soon, I pray it comes soon.
thank you for sticking with my random post, sure didn't know it would lead here!
It's my eighth and I'm still scared.
I have been wanting to write for weeks, maybe months, but I am exhausted. I think of something to write about and 5 minutes later I'm asleep on the couch, the thought completely gone from my brain.
So my hope is that when I start writing, maybe something amazing will just come to me. Something awe-inspiring...something wow.
I'm pregnant, and with that in me comes strange emotions not normally found in my life. Tears, giggles, and rude comments will all come from my mouth within seconds of each other and I feel as if I have no control over it. It's, frankly, a little embarassing sometimes.
Last night was one of those such moments. I went to a meeting that I was thoroughly looking forward to, a group of amazing women that I have the priveledge of surrounding myself with, all talking about childbirth and bringing better childbirth to our community. Right up my alley...I love it!
But last night, I had the giggles. I had recently found out some information that was quite shocking - and frankly - hilarious, and anything anyone said just made me want to laugh at the hilarity of my present situation. So between massive fits of giggles (where my fellow peeps stared at me like I was nuts, because I am a little nuts right now).
It came out among this group to the few who didn't know, that I am pregnant... And for whatever reason last night, I just did not want to acknowledge the fact. I'm very happy that I'm pregnant, it has been a long and very heartbreaking road to get here, but last night I just didn't want to talk about it.
Most of the time I'm very excited about my pregnancy, well, really - all the time - but it still seems so unreal to me. I don't have a belly yet, I don't feel the baby move yet, my sickness is abating, it all seems so foreign now.
A woman asked me if it was my second child and, logically, the answer is yes.
But to me the answer is no.
In the past few months, I've become so connected to those babies that I haven't met, that it breaks my heart to not tell people about them. But it wasn't the place the mention that I had 6 others in heaven that I haven't met yet.
As everyone around me answered for me - yes its her second, and I mumbled, yah its my second.... I thought, "but its not. It's not my second, its my eighth and I'm still scared."
Everything tells me its going to be okay, that I get to meet this one, but can I just tell you that I've been burned, bad. And I'm still scared. I feel it everyday and it irritates me to no end. I can't wait for the day when I know, I just know that its all going to be okay.
I sure hope it comes soon, I pray it comes soon.
thank you for sticking with my random post, sure didn't know it would lead here!
So my hope is that when I start writing, maybe something amazing will just come to me. Something awe-inspiring...something wow.
I'm pregnant, and with that in me comes strange emotions not normally found in my life. Tears, giggles, and rude comments will all come from my mouth within seconds of each other and I feel as if I have no control over it. It's, frankly, a little embarassing sometimes.
Last night was one of those such moments. I went to a meeting that I was thoroughly looking forward to, a group of amazing women that I have the priveledge of surrounding myself with, all talking about childbirth and bringing better childbirth to our community. Right up my alley...I love it!
But last night, I had the giggles. I had recently found out some information that was quite shocking - and frankly - hilarious, and anything anyone said just made me want to laugh at the hilarity of my present situation. So between massive fits of giggles (where my fellow peeps stared at me like I was nuts, because I am a little nuts right now).
It came out among this group to the few who didn't know, that I am pregnant... And for whatever reason last night, I just did not want to acknowledge the fact. I'm very happy that I'm pregnant, it has been a long and very heartbreaking road to get here, but last night I just didn't want to talk about it.
Most of the time I'm very excited about my pregnancy, well, really - all the time - but it still seems so unreal to me. I don't have a belly yet, I don't feel the baby move yet, my sickness is abating, it all seems so foreign now.
A woman asked me if it was my second child and, logically, the answer is yes.
But to me the answer is no.
In the past few months, I've become so connected to those babies that I haven't met, that it breaks my heart to not tell people about them. But it wasn't the place the mention that I had 6 others in heaven that I haven't met yet.
As everyone around me answered for me - yes its her second, and I mumbled, yah its my second.... I thought, "but its not. It's not my second, its my eighth and I'm still scared."
Everything tells me its going to be okay, that I get to meet this one, but can I just tell you that I've been burned, bad. And I'm still scared. I feel it everyday and it irritates me to no end. I can't wait for the day when I know, I just know that its all going to be okay.
I sure hope it comes soon, I pray it comes soon.
thank you for sticking with my random post, sure didn't know it would lead here!
10.31.2011
We are having another baby!!!
If you can tell from our posts below - that were all written a couple months ago...
We are expecting a baby in May!
I had an appointment with my midwife today and we were able to hear our baby's heartbeat on the doppler. It was very exciting!
My day has been made.
So, now the word is out - all is public, we are having a baby!
YAY!
I'll tell you the full story another day, but thank you to all of you who have prayed and cried with us - we have felt every prayer, every hug, every tear.
YAY!!
We are expecting a baby in May!
I had an appointment with my midwife today and we were able to hear our baby's heartbeat on the doppler. It was very exciting!
My day has been made.
So, now the word is out - all is public, we are having a baby!
YAY!
I'll tell you the full story another day, but thank you to all of you who have prayed and cried with us - we have felt every prayer, every hug, every tear.
YAY!!
Even Now...
It's been so long since I've written... and if you're counting the weeks, you probably know where this is headed.
On Sunday I will reach my 11th week of pregnancy. Can I just say it here and now:
HALLELUJAH! AHHHH!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!!! OH MY GOSH!!! AHHHH!!!!
That's what my heart wants to scream, but my head holds me back... Don't get your hopes up. Its not 12 weeks yet. Things can happen.
Yet, I know, that even now... if something happens... my life has been forever changed by this little one who grows inside of me. His first heartbeat connected with mine, and the second just solidified my love.
I don't know where I fit now with infertility. Because I'm having a baby.
(OH MY GOSH, I'M HAVING A BABY!!!) - sorry, I keep having those moments.
But now, I feel like, the people (most of who don't know me) whose blogs I have followed and whose own stories I have cried over...
Where do I fit with them? I love them. I feel like we're friends, because we've become attached by this unwanted, unexpected frustration that has consumed our lives - infertility.
But now... am I still infertile? Will I ever even know again?
I don't know. I don't actually have any answers.
but I do know, that when I read my friends' stories, when I see their posts - my heart still hurts. I want to fix it for them, and so often I just don't have any words. Because really, no words can make it better.
We all just want it to go away.
So to my friends, I am so sorry. I wish it would all just stop and we could all celebrate together. I wish that I had an answer as to why it worked for me, but I don't. I don't know how I got pregnant - or why I stayed pregnant. I wish that I could take my daughter's magic wand and wave it over you and you'd be horribly sick and your belly would pop out. But I can't... her magic wand is really just an old baby rattle.
But I can pray with you, and you can know that I am and I will.
I will never stop praying with you.
On Sunday I will reach my 11th week of pregnancy. Can I just say it here and now:
HALLELUJAH! AHHHH!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!!! OH MY GOSH!!! AHHHH!!!!
That's what my heart wants to scream, but my head holds me back... Don't get your hopes up. Its not 12 weeks yet. Things can happen.
Yet, I know, that even now... if something happens... my life has been forever changed by this little one who grows inside of me. His first heartbeat connected with mine, and the second just solidified my love.
I don't know where I fit now with infertility. Because I'm having a baby.
(OH MY GOSH, I'M HAVING A BABY!!!) - sorry, I keep having those moments.
But now, I feel like, the people (most of who don't know me) whose blogs I have followed and whose own stories I have cried over...
Where do I fit with them? I love them. I feel like we're friends, because we've become attached by this unwanted, unexpected frustration that has consumed our lives - infertility.
But now... am I still infertile? Will I ever even know again?
I don't know. I don't actually have any answers.
but I do know, that when I read my friends' stories, when I see their posts - my heart still hurts. I want to fix it for them, and so often I just don't have any words. Because really, no words can make it better.
We all just want it to go away.
So to my friends, I am so sorry. I wish it would all just stop and we could all celebrate together. I wish that I had an answer as to why it worked for me, but I don't. I don't know how I got pregnant - or why I stayed pregnant. I wish that I could take my daughter's magic wand and wave it over you and you'd be horribly sick and your belly would pop out. But I can't... her magic wand is really just an old baby rattle.
But I can pray with you, and you can know that I am and I will.
I will never stop praying with you.
6wks 3dys
Yes, you see that right folks. No time has not regressed but today I had an.....
ULTRASOUND!!!!
It was fabulous, every short breath taking second of seeing that beautiful baby. I'm a little jealous of my husband's view. He got to see the baby the whole time, I had to contort my head in some strange fashion to catch a glimpse.
But I saw it! I saw that glorious, gorgeous, breathtaking, heart-stopping, tear-jerking, make-your-throat-swell-up,
Heartbeat.
137 beats per minute.
It was amazing.
Baby is measuring a week behind what I had originally predicted, which is normal, fine, and probably speaks to my short luteal phase and frequent miscarriages.
It took everything within me to not tell everyone at church tonight that I'M PREGNANT AND THERE'S A HEARTBEAT!!!
But, I just smiled.
I am happy tonight, very very happy.
And looking forward to 12 weeks pregnant. That will be wonderful.
I am beyond blessed.
ULTRASOUND!!!!
It was fabulous, every short breath taking second of seeing that beautiful baby. I'm a little jealous of my husband's view. He got to see the baby the whole time, I had to contort my head in some strange fashion to catch a glimpse.
But I saw it! I saw that glorious, gorgeous, breathtaking, heart-stopping, tear-jerking, make-your-throat-swell-up,
Heartbeat.
137 beats per minute.
It was amazing.
Baby is measuring a week behind what I had originally predicted, which is normal, fine, and probably speaks to my short luteal phase and frequent miscarriages.
It took everything within me to not tell everyone at church tonight that I'M PREGNANT AND THERE'S A HEARTBEAT!!!
But, I just smiled.
I am happy tonight, very very happy.
And looking forward to 12 weeks pregnant. That will be wonderful.
I am beyond blessed.
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