It's my eighth and I'm still scared.

I have been wanting to write for weeks, maybe months, but I am exhausted.  I think of something to write about and 5 minutes later I'm asleep on the couch, the thought completely gone from my brain.

So my hope is that when I start writing, maybe something amazing will just come to me.  Something awe-inspiring...something wow. 

I'm pregnant, and with that in me comes strange emotions not normally found in my life.  Tears, giggles, and rude comments will all come from my mouth within seconds of each other and I feel as if I have no control over it.  It's, frankly, a little embarassing sometimes. 

Last night was one of those such moments.  I went to a meeting that I was thoroughly looking forward to, a group of amazing women that I have the priveledge of surrounding myself with, all talking about childbirth and bringing better childbirth to our community.  Right up my alley...I love it! 

But last night, I had the giggles.  I had recently found out some information that was quite shocking - and frankly - hilarious, and anything anyone said just made me want to laugh at the hilarity of my present situation.    So between massive fits of giggles (where my fellow peeps stared at me like I was nuts, because I am a little nuts right now). 

It came out among this group to the few who didn't know, that I am pregnant...  And for whatever reason last night, I just did not want to acknowledge the fact.  I'm very happy that I'm pregnant, it has been a long and very heartbreaking road to get here, but last night I just didn't want to talk about it. 

Most of the time I'm very excited about my pregnancy, well, really - all the time - but it still seems so unreal to me.  I don't have a belly yet, I don't feel the baby move yet, my sickness is abating, it all seems so foreign now.

 A woman asked me if it was my second child and, logically, the answer is yes.

 But to me the answer is no. 

In the past few months, I've become so connected to those babies that I haven't met, that it breaks my heart to not tell people about them.  But it wasn't the place the mention that I had 6 others in heaven that I haven't met yet. 

As everyone around me answered for me - yes its her second, and I mumbled, yah its my second....   I thought, "but its not.  It's not my second, its my eighth and I'm still scared." 

Everything tells me its going to be okay, that I get to meet this one, but can I just tell you that I've been burned, bad.  And I'm still scared.  I feel it everyday and it irritates me to no end.  I can't wait for the day when I know, I just know that its all going to be okay. 

I sure hope it comes soon, I pray it comes soon. 

thank you for sticking with my random post, sure didn't know it would lead here!