Anxiety

I've noticed I've been having anxiety about pregnancy at wierd times.  For instance, while visiting my parents my mom wanted to take me shopping for maternity shirts.  I didn't really want to since I'm already nervous about this pregnancy the last thing I want is to be reminded that I'm not pregnant with maternity clothes floating around my house.  But I went, she was adamant.

As we walked up to the maternity section in the department store though, I panicked.  My breathing got hard and I started shaking.  I saw that woman in the pictures with her big beautiful tummy and realized that this is so opposite of all that I've done for the past two years.  Outside of work I have done most everything I can to avoid looking at pregnant women, and here I am now - acting like one of them, picking out clothes to wear when I get bigger. 

Then yesterday when I was on the phone with my friend I started crying when I thought about the very idea that I even am pregnant.  I've become very good at knowing I'm pregnant and yet not relating myself to the idea.  Almost like I'm in denial, but not because I don't want to be pregnant but because I don't want to not be again.   So, I can talk about my pregnancy, but when I think about being pregnant - having a child growing inside of me - I cry, friek out, experience those moments of deep loss and I haven't even lossed yet.

I'm looking forward to the day when this anxiety can be replaced with great joy.  

7 weeks pregnant

I can't believe I'm here.  Still pregnant at 7 weeks.  Although this is not the furthest a pregnancy has gone and then miscarried for me - it is still much further than all but 1. 

Which gives me hope, lots and lots of hope.

I still have this fear in my head though, what if?

What if this one doesn't make it? 

What if the ultrasound doesn't show a heartbeat? 

What if I start to miscarry at youth encounter next weekend or my friend's wedding the following? (and none of these people even know I'm pregnant)

What if there is something wrong with this baby?

What if I get my heart broken again?

But you see - what is hope if it is in things I am certain of?  Well, that is not hope at all - that's knowledge. 

Trusting God these past few weeks has been especially hard, and to be brutally honest - I've ignored him more than anything. 

Infact, I've forgotten that I'm pregnant most days, other than those few moments when I have to take my Welcome Womb (nasty, nasty stuff) or progesterone, or vitamins - or when a good friend calls just to see how I'm holding up. 

I hate that I've disconnected myself but connecting myself right now - although I love this child with all that I am - is not what I can handle. 

I have too much to do, too much to handle to consider the weight of losing a baby right now.  And no time to grieve, so I choose to ignore. 

And if this child finds his or her way to heaven before I have a chance to meet them face to face, I will grieve - if the time comes.

 (maybe a little too much Cinderella for me, but every time I see "if" italicized I think of Lady Tremaine saying  "If you can get your work done and If you can find something suitable to wear" and then explaining to her daughters... "of course I said "If")

As my mother so often said "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."  Hopefully this road does not take me to that bridge, but right now - I still don't know.

I read this verse on a friend's blog last night - and found that as fitting as it was for her, it fits here as well. 

“For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.”

Romans 8:22-25

6 weeks 4 days pregnant

This post won't be posted until well past this date.  But I can't help but desire an outlet for all that is going through my mind at 10:21pm on this Thursday evening. 

I have surpassed 6 weeks pregnant, a huge milestone for me, and am 4 days in.  I look forward especially to surpassing 7 weeks 5 days ( a little over a week away.)

This pregnancy has been a whirlwind.  Unexpected, and ultimately not expected to make it I took a last resort and began taking Welcome Womb the day after I found out I was expecting again.  Around 5 weeks I began to feel the symptoms of queezyness and they have slowly progressed. 

At 6 weeks I ventured to my Mom and Dad's home 12 hrs south of us, for some time to just sit and enjoy their company.  My trip is nearly over and it hardly feels as if it's begun.  Day 1 my beautiful daughter ran a temp of 103.9 for the majority of the day, Day 2 my mom was sick with a fever and all through out I've been battling a constant feeling of nauseousness and general exhaustion (which makes me happy).

Today I experienced cramping most of the evening.  I know this happened with Am, but there is no amount of reasoning that can make my mind satisfied that this pregnancy is still going strong.  I keep hoping, keep praying, keep resting all of this in God's hands. 

I don't know that there is a moment I'm not thinking about the baby, and a moment when I'm not praying for this oh so fragile life to continue its creation. 

I realized today that I did not adequately prepare for this trip and will soon run out of Welcome Womb.  I ran my husband all over town at 8:30 pm to find a place that would overnight me my tincture for a decent price and in the end purchased another set online, set to arrive Sat. morning.  Hopefully in time. 

Once again, everything rests in God's hands. 

I look forward to the day when we can pick out baby names, and  I can register on baby center, target, and for cloth diapers.  I long for the moment when I can joyously exclaim for all 400+ facebook friends to see that I am FINALLY expecting a baby in May! 

But right now I hold tight to this child.  I wait, and wait.  My daughter is thoroughly excited, looking forward to a new baby brother or sister (she say's sister).  I run a few names through my head and hope that I have an opportunity to voice them to my husband in anticipation. 

October 11 I have a second ultrasound set up.  Our first was the day before i left for this trip and we saw exactly what you'd expect at 5weeks 5days pregnant, a yolk sac.  Not much - but enough to know things were moving smoothly. 

Part of my longs for an ultrasound today to know that all these cramps are signs of a growing uterus and not signs of impending miscarriage. 

I want life to flow from my womb.  Living breathing beautiful kissable, life.  The kind that makes your soul rejoice.

Tonight I lay in bed for a few moments and longed for heaven.  Where I was surrounded by all my children, there was no distress, no illness, no disease, no concern.  We worship God with a holy abandon and find ourselves in complete fullness of his love. 

I have no other source of strength but him right now.  No amount of rest, medicine, sickness brings me peace as he does. 

No matter the outcome he is my strength.

One Born Every Minute

Just to be clear, I really don't like this show.  It's on lifetime and for the most part every mom gets an epidural and pitocin and the birth of a baby is depicted as a very medical thing. 

But tonight I sat down to watch an episode on hulu, mostly becuase I'm tired and have little better to do. (like the dishes and laundry wouldn't be better...)

And although the births were just as usual, pitocin, emergencies, c-sections, and crass family members there was a part in this episode that had me bawling the whole way through.  (and I'm not exagerating, hysterically bawling)

A young mom giving up her twin babies for adoption. I've spent two years wondering if our baby will ever come and here I saw a couple with no other children who had spent 13 years waiting for their babies. 

13 years. 

Oh my heart.  The adoptive mom sobbed and sobbed and I could only but understand a fraction of what she feels. 

Adoption is such a beautiful gift.  Aaron and I hope to adopt children someday, a difficult and scary road.  And this episode only pulled on my heart as I imagine it would for any parent who has longed and wondered when will my baby come? 

a tv birth

It's been a long time since I've blogged.  Time has gotten away from me, and been rather consumed with other things going on in our lives. 

I have no however been without things to say, just without time or motivation to write them. 

As most of you know, I am a Certified Childbirth Educator and am currently pursuing certification through DONA International to recieve my doula certification.

Thus, I have become a birth junkie.  I love childbirth.  I think being a part of such an amazing time of transition in a woman's life is absolutely incredible and maybe I've been drawn to it in part because of our own struggles and difficulties in this area.  Maybe I am fascinated by the miracle of birth and gestation.  Maybe I am just inclined towards it, whichever it is - I love birth.

I also love television, and praise God (I mean that literally) that we do not have reception out here and I am insanely limited on the amount of television I get to watch.  Becuase I would be one of those people who watches it constantly.  I have, however, found a few television shows that I can watch online for free and every so often I pull up my laundry basket to the computer and watch a show and fold several loads of laundry. 

One of my shows featured the birth of a new baby last week, and boy was I excited!  I seriously had high hopes for this birth.  I knew that having watched this show they would do what they could to portray birth in a positive light... they had to, its a decent show.

Anyway, so , 15 min left in the movie the woman was in an argument with her brother in law and her water breaks.  (believable, could happen... Rupture of membranes before contractions start only happens in about 10% of women, but it does happen).    Then, they're driving to the hospital as fast as they absolutely posssibly can.... and the woman is screaming that she's going to have this baby on the car seat.  what?? 

Okay... could happen, not likely.  I mean, 30 seconds ago you weren't even having contractions now your baby is coming out?  Then they get to the hospital, the dad isn't there and within minutes she's pushing the baby out.  Really??  it doesn't happen that fast.  She's sweating and screaming and saying she's tired and can't push and she's been in labor for all of 15 min... thats being generous on the time frame. 

I was a little peeved.  Granted, she wasn't rushed in for a c-section, that would have been bad icing on a bad cake, but it still portrayed birth as this scary, emergency, oh-my-gosh-I'm-gpoing-to-have-this-baby-in-the-car, scenario.  And its not. 

Birth is natural, birth is beautiful, birth can be peaceful. 

Done. end of rant.

100 Days of Beholding - Day 1

I was invited by a friend on facebook to be a part of "100 Days of Beholding"  Check out her document and join in on the revelation. 

I want to share with all of you a few of my beholdings as I go through this journey.  Today is Day 1 for me, and although I won't subject you to every entry of mine - I want you to see some of my highlights. 

#1) I'm thankful for time of stress.  they increase my faith and teahch me to trust [God] even when I don't want to.  Trusting involves letting go - and letting go means I could get hurt.  But I've leavned that you are good and even when my heart is broken you love me most.  So in this time of stress, when my only choice is to trust you - I let go and know that you are always good.
I am one who chooses to avoid stress at all cost.  Whether it is avoiding confrontation, avoiding traffic, avoiding grocery stores...you get the idea.  I avoid stress because I fear I don't handle it well.  Sometimes, stress, is unavoidable and its learning to handle it, and handle it well that teaches the most about who God is.

#6 I'm thankful for [our daughter]; a fun loving child, full of joy, who mimicks our acts of love and has taught us that gentle parenting, although heard work - is worth the effort.  A child who is by no means perfect but speaks trust in simple words; when I'm sick "Jesus will heal you, Mommy."  A risk taker from the beginning - bold and strong willed - she will shake this woorld for Jesus as she grows and matures in him.  She is all real - nothing fake in her and when she commits her life to Christ she will be unmoveable.
I often times speak of my child as a handful, difficult, exhausting; terms that in no way build up her charachter.  But she is so much more than that - she is all that we prayed for in a daughter.  Strong willed, unshakeable, loves deeply.  I compare her to other children, raised similarly, and wonder 'hHve I done something wrong?' but I know...  I know.... She doesn't commit until she's sold out - and when this one sells out for Christ - the world will never be the same.

I look forward to what the rest of the 99 days brings.  I know that this is an exercise in believing, beholding, and becoming.  I don't want to become complacent in my place of life. 
 

I want to be like them...

I saw this on my friend's facebook today and couldn't help but think I really hope my husband and I are that adorable some day.  Enjoy <3