In the end, its all about Love

I don't have time to post today, but this has been on my mind for so long and I know if I wait two weeks to post I'll never remember.  We have Christmas with my husband's mom tonight and then are traveling to visit my family for Christmas Day and an extended visit after.  I won't see my mom again until the baby comes in May, so I want to cherish and soak up every moment!

I saw a friend yesterday and she encouraged me again on what a great mom I am, I said thank you and told her that it's hard being a mom.

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized it played into other realizations I've been making over the past few weeks. 

Being a mom isn't hard because I have a bad kid... no, being a mom is really hard because of other moms! 

Its the advent of social networking, blogging, and parenting websites that make me feel so inadequate as a mother.  It is here that I am reminded of all that I'm not doing, ways I'm parenting wrong, or shown just how inadequate I feel I really am. 

I spent a good hour last night talking to my husband about this... he listened and ended the conversation with "well that was a great conversation, should we pick this up again next week?"  Thank you psychologist Aaron. 

Truly, I just had a girl moment.  A moment in which all the thoughts and pressures and concerns of the all the ideologies and mothering philosophies around me finally piled up and overwhelmed me.  I needed to talk it out. 

So I've been thinking.

Who am I? 

As a person, as a worker, as a servant, as a friend?  And what do I stand for under all of those things? 

Well let me tell you, even though I've been thinking about it I certainly don't have the ability to write it all out right now, things are still flying around my head.  Trust me, there's a lot in there. 

But one important point I have to come in all of this is that it doesn't really matter what other people think. 

If I can't be a fully natural, fully attachment parenting mother; a master gardener; good housekeeping of the year award winner; crafty super mom; homeschooling diva; blogging wonder; or even model wife... 

It's okay.

I wasn't created to do it all.

And that makes being a mom so much easier.  Because now it's me, my daughter, our new baby coming, and making sure they know they're loved, they know truth, and they know God's promises. 

1 Corinthians 13:13 
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

*I am not insinuating that natural, attachment parenting, homeschooling, crafty, super housecleaners, fabulous gardeners... etc are making me feel like a bad mom... 

I am trying to say that measuring up to all that some super moms are in those area and attempting to be awesome at everything is overwhelming to me. 

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

Today my darling daughter turns 4.  Wow, just saying that brings tears to my eyes. 

I remember the moment of her birth like it was yesterday.  Literally, I close my eyes and I see myself snuggled up with her on my chest, looking up at me, and the feeling of knowing I'd never known a love like that before.  What a gift she is, born just a few days before Christmas, a reminder of a promise. 

God's promise.  His promise of love, redemption, and eternal life; gifts given to us through his son, Jesus Christ. 

My prayer for our daughter is that she would grow to be a woman of God who changes the world.  That she would not be changed by the world, but that she would be steadfast and strong in the love Christ has placed in her heart. 

Already in her we see the affects of this prayer; an unwavering spirit, a heart that loves deeply and fully, and a tenderness that flows from a gentle touch and endearing smile. 

We are blessed beyond measure with this beautiful little girl. 

"Amariss" - promised by God.  And what a gift and promise you are. 

Happy Birthday Amariss!

Step-By-Steppin' It

Last week I had about 1000 things to do and my time was limited, not to mention my strength and emotional capacity.  For the past 4 months I have been tired and tired... sometimes sick, but mostly really tired and I have finally (hallelujah, praise the Lord) entered into the 2nd trimester bliss of energy, feeling good and (thanks to my midwife) no more hip pain!  I was definately ready to conquer. 

I'm one of those people who when they say they just sleep and eat... that's exactly what they mean and my house was proof.  Literally, every few weeks I would catch up on all the bills I hadn't yet paid and wash enough laundry for us to live off the pile on the couch.  My kitchen was a situation of dire concern.  We were literally washing a dish just to use a dish.  It was bad.  B-A-D  I was even going to post pictures of the before and after but then was afraid someone might report me to some bad housekeeping agency, or deem my house unfit for human survival...

However, Monday I woke up with a renewed energy.  My mother-in-laws birthday was Thursday and I knew I wanted my house fully clean for her to come over for cake and her present.  I was meeting with a friend Friday morning and more friends on Friday night.  So I had, essentially, until Thursday afternoon to finish getting my house cleaned.  Super cleaned because it was really bad.  I also have a near 4 yr old (near as in her birthday is this week) which makes full out cleaning a little difficult. 

So I started what I call The Step-By-Step.  It helps people like me who look at a hugely messy house and just friek out and then crawl back under the covers to go to bed.  I started small, with easy things.  A load of laundry, unload the dishwasher, load the dishwasher.  Clean the toilet, oh look I'll clean the sink and mirror too.  And that's how I do it, when I finish one job I look for another to start.  All I do is my one job.

Step-by-Step. 

And what happened.  By Monday night, when my husband came home, a significant dent had been placed in our kitchen.  It wasn't finished, not by far, but he could see that I'd worked at it and I was proud of myself! 

Tuesday I did it again.  I just kept plugging away, looking for things to do (and believe me, there were plenty of things to do!).  I tried to stay away from time-wasters, which for me includes facebook, because I get lost in it. 

Wednesday I had groceries to buy and babysat for a friend.

And by Thursday evening my laundry was folded and put away, my dishes were done, my bathroom was clean and although not everything sparkled...  I was proud of myself. 

But what am I more proud of now??

The fact that it is Monday morning and my dishes are staying done!  My laundry is being folded and put away right away and my house still looks decent.  Although, a good dusting is in order and that kitchen floor calls my name. 

I am excited.  Tomorrow night is my daughter's 4th birthday party and I'm not stressed at all!  Friday night we celebrate Christmas with my mother-in-law and I'm looking forward to it!  And Saturday we have a nice break for awhile and I'm entering Christmas the way I like to - looking forward to Christmas! 

That is the Step-by-Step.  One job at a time and before you know it, each job is done. 

commenting on posts

Does anyone know why I am unable to comment on other blogger blogs?  I get a notification that my email address is not authorized, however I am logged into my blogger account. 

Any suggestions?  Do I need to turn something off?

A Different Perspective

I live near an interstate.  I drive this road nearly every time I go into town, it's how I get - well..almost everywhere.  I'm not the only one using this road though, millions of other American's drive this road as well and it is not unusual to see license plates from other states, especially around holidays or during the busy summer months. 

The other day as I headed into town again I looked at the car next to me, its license plate from out of state, and wondered where that person was going.  To me, these road signs tell me that my exit is coming soon and they take me to various sections of the nearby city.  I wonder though, what does this road look like to other people? 

Is it a hotel stop on a long trip?  Another mindless sign they pass on the long way to wherever or does it mark that flurry of excitement that tells you "I'm almost there!"

That's a little bit how life is isn't it?  Even here, on this crazy fertility journey. 

I'm preparing to take an exit, I've seen the signs and I know it isn't too far away.  The flurry of excitement is stirring within me. 

But some of you are still on a long journey.  You have miles and miles ahead of you.  Sometimes you get excited because you know you're headed somewhere, and sometimes you get a little crazy.  Soon enough though, your exit will pop up and you'll look back and wonder how you possibly made it - the road was so long! 

Some of you have hit major pot holes and had to stop for repairs, take detours, or even been in major accidents.   Sometimes it seems it will never end. 

But you'll be there, I know it.  And all the while we're cheering for you, praying for you, loving you, and knowing that one of these days you'll be there.  You'll be home. 

The road looks different for all of us, the signs mean different things.  Sometimes we need different maps to take us different directions - but all in all, we're all on the same crazy road.

When Grief Isn't Pretty

I'm not a fan of grief, personally, I think its messy.  There is no rhyme or reason to it, it rarely looks the same from person to person or situation to situation, and it rears its ugly head at inopportune or unfortuanate moments.  You never know who is going to be the next victim of your grief. 

In our years of dealing with miscarriage, which has been at the top of my list of hardest things to deal with, I have damaged friendships, developed bad habits and addictions, said things I later really regretted, and opened my own eyes to the ugliness of my own pain. 

One thing I have learned over the years is that grief must be dealt with because if you ignore it, it will probably deal with itself.  Maybe "dealt with" isn't the best phrase.  Grief must be felt.  No matter how you choose to feel it, you have to feel it.

With our first miscarriage we made a memory box, we put in it cards and pictures - letters we wrote to the baby, and the first onesie I bought it and a stuffed bear.  We did the same for our next 3 miscarriages.  We now have 4 boxes...  unfortuanately the last 2 miscarriages I just haven't bought the box.  At the time I just didn't want to deal with it - and now, it seems a little late.  We also have 3 ornaments on our Christmas tree for our first 3 babies, however - our last 3 don't have ornaments.  We just haven't yet found the perfect ones. 

Everyone chooses a different way to grieve, everyone picks something that will help them remember, or help them cope. 

One thing I do know, it that whether or not you grieve - you will never forget your babies.  They are a part of you and never leave your heart.  Whether you did alot, or nothing at all - our babies are special, and they're always with us.