We spent last weekend visiting good friends of ours. She also is expecting. Her big beautiful belly was there every day, and I was worried I might be envious or say rediculous things I don't really mean. But none of that happened. Instead I enjoyed the friendship and bond we have and marveled at the miracle of life forming inside the womb.
There was no jealousy, no anger, no bitterness; only excitement for her and her soon-to-be gift.
I'll explain it as best I can. When I lose my vision for the plans I know God has for us, I begin to doubt the promises he's made to me. Have you ever known something deep inside of you, it is so true in its authenticity that it might as well be in your hands right now. That's how I feel about having another baby. There is an unexplainable truth and reality to me about carrying another child with my body and having more children through adoption. I know that that reality has only been placed there by God and the promises he's spoken over me. Nothing else could give me this assurance.
So when the call for healing is made at church or elsewhere, I am hesitant to go forward.
This one thing is at war within me: If I step forward, am I doubting the promise that has been placed inside of me? Am I underminding my own God-given peace for a "problem" that may not even exist?
It battles me every single time.
Most days I am completely at peace with my position. A few days out of every month (or more often as you've seen lately) my steps falter and I struggle to hold onto my promise.
I'm afraid that most of all, what I need healing from is not infertility but instead my own personal lack of faith. When I'm resting in Christ and holding onto him, everything else falls into place.
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