Patiently wait, Joyfully anticipate

It's 1:45 in the afternoon.  In a crumpled heap at my feet is my exhausted 3 yr old.  Nap time should have started 45 minutes ago but a morning visit to grandma turned into an afternoon visit to grandma and here we are, exhaustion overtaking my sweet baby.  As I struggle to hoist her, now 41 lbs of solid preschooler, I steal a glance at her face wilst rangling her unruly and limp little legs.  That face steals my heart again.  "oh daughter," I whisper "will you ever know how much I love you?"  No, I'm not sure she will, nothing can express the amount of love that fills a mothers heart.  I've come close to knowing what my mom feels for me since becoming a mother, but there is nothing like feeling it for yourself. 

I soak in her sweet sugary scent, a mix of chocolate chip cookies and rasberry tea left over from the tea party at grandma's house, and instantly I feel myself relax.  There is nothing as wonderful as this.  The pure joy of carrying my tired little girl from room to room to prepare her for naptime.  In the bathroom, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  "I'm 27," I think to myself.  27?!  When did that happen??  That means that by the end of this year my sweet baby will be 4 years old.  "Stop growing, sweet girl," I whisper once again. 

I can not imagine a life different than the one I lead.  This child is so wonderful to snuggle, to hug, to kiss.  Don't get me wrong...  if the story continued the sweet revelry would soon be cut short by the angry voice of a misunderstood preschooler.  An outburst caused, I'm sure, by a need for rest. 

So once again, I find myself in the strange balance.  I love this life.  Loving one child is more incredible than I could have ever imagined.  Joyfully anticipating homeschooling one child is a greater challenge than I could have ever imagined.  Managing home, work, church, life with one child is more difficult than I ever imagined.  But I can't shake it, no matter how many times I remind myself I'm more than blessed, I'm more than satisfied.  I can't shake that desire for one, two, or three more children. 

I know there is a reason for it.  I know it is God-given.  In the meantime, I patiently wait, and joyfully anticipate. 

What do I wait for?  What do I anticipate? 

Honestly, somedays I don't know. 

I patiently wait for, and joyfully anticipate the future - whatever it may be, while not forsaking the present.