Lately I've been finding myself in the delicate balance between two worlds. There is the world of the fertiles and the world of the infertiles. Not too many years ago, when pregnancy came on me if I even thought about reproducing, I never thought I'd be here. But here we are indeed.
Here is our story.
My husband and I found ourselves madly in love after a few short months of dating and after a year long engagement we were married on June 19, 2004. Our 5 yr plan for pregnancy was in place and as soon as the honeymoon hit I was ready to abandon all plans and begin reproducing right away :)... But he stuck to the plan and we used birth control for 2 years. After 2 yrs on birth control I did some research and realized we had moral obligations against birth control and we pursued Natural Family Planning. Being the happily married couple that we were/are we didn't like all the rules and found ourselves pregnant after just 3 months, but at 7 wks and 5 days pregnant I miscarried. We were crushed and devastated, but reassured the miscarriage is common and would most likely not happen again.
We were pregnant again 4 mo later and this time I miscarried at just 6 weeks gestation. Within the next cycle I was pregnant again and miscarried at 5 weeks. We were heartbroken, pregnancy wasn't something that we were planning, but neither was it something we weren't excited about. Each baby was so special and spectacular to us, each life a miracle.
My midwife put me on progesterone and after 4 months I was pregnant again and we were gloriously blessed with a heartbeat at 6 weeks, nausea until 18 weeks, the first kicks at 19 weeks, and a beautiful baby girl just 4 days before Christmas. She is now 3 years old and the epitome of joy and excitement.
When that beautiful bundle turned 18 mo. we again started trying to conceive another baby. Month one was a success and I felt pregnant, nauseaous and wonderful (I even threw up a few times!). But just a week later I began bleeding and I again lost the baby. We tried again unsuccessfully for another year and then SURPRISE out of the blue found out we were again expecting. But after a difficult 3 weeks I again miscarried. It has been almost a year since then and we have still been unable to concieve another child.
So here I am suffering from something called Secondary Infertility. I hate the word infertile, I just plain hate the way it sounds, like we're broken or something. I'm having a difficult time find my place in the world of fertility struggles. I feel like I don't fit with the infertility blogs, these couples have been trying for years with no success and I could never imagine their pain. I have a hard time fitting with the recurrent loss boards, because these women have lost over and over again with no successful pregnancy. I often times feel guilty there for my blessing. But yet, I still feel so lonesome when I read about another friend having another baby. I feel left out when all of us living with one child move on to two or three or four, and here I am - unable to understand life with more than one child, even though I desperately long for more.
I know there are more like me, but where are you?? Are you trying to find the delicate balance as well?
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