Loving in Anger

Anyone who says to me that hundreds of years ago women miscarried and never knew it is well... rediculous.  They knew it, they just didn't have a pee stick to prove it. 

Post-pregnancy hormonal changes, although nothing compared to that of a longer pregnancy or fullterm delivery are still much much different than normal PMS.  Atleast for me. 

The past 3 weeks have been one crazy roller coaster and I have to say that today, amidst the cramps and everything else...I'm so thankful to be heading back into my regular cycle and not feeling so irritable and angry all th time. 

Which brings me to this post.  I have been extremely irritable (to put it nicely) for weeks.  weeks.  My poor husband can hardly look at me without me making a horribly rude or snide remark. 

Last Wednesday I mentioned to you that God was really talking to me about loving people, all the way, for real, which during extreme irritability is really hard for me.  And now, post extreme irritability, this is hard to write.  Because I'm not angry, so I'm having a hard time remembering what I was even angry about.  What I do know is that none of this anger was righteous, holy, Godly... nope... just dumb stupid angry.

What wasn't helping was that I had been really withdrawing myself from people, life, and even God during the past few weeks.  I didn't want to anything to do with most people, I just wanted to be regular and I knew that I wasn't, so I hid myself so I could pretend.  But the worst part was that I had even stopped spending time with God, and was starting to ignore talking to him aswell... which doesn't help a girl who needs to control her anger. 

So, When I pictured God's love, I realized that he loves me still - even when I act like this.  He misses me still - even when I act like this.  He wants me still - even when I act like this. 

I started a word study of the word Love in the Bible.  It is helpful to have something to study because when I feel like this my brain has a hard time concentrating and thinking deeply.  The first night, the verse I read was the exact same verse PC had preached on on Wednesday night at youth.  I know that that was no coincidence!

The second study I did was from Exodus 15:13 "By your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed.  In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling."

This is so what I needed.  By His unfailing love, HE will lead me to himself.  That is exactly what I needed right then.  In my own strength I couldn't do it, but by his love he will lead me.  It was so liberating, so freeing. 

Not to say that I haven't still been fighting my attitude and my irritibility, but talking to God, listening for his voice, heeding his warnings (and keeping my mouth shut) has helped immensely! 

I know he's not anywhere near done with me, but I'm thankful that I can see this phase coming to an end. 

Loving and Living

I'm just gonna be really real here.  If you haven't noticed yet, the past few weeks have been hard.  I'm usually a joyful and upbeat person and on the outside I mostly have been still... but on the inside I was living a little on the self pity side. 

I really hate pity.  I hate pitying people because I don't want to be pitied.  Thus, I hate it when people pity me.  And when I pity myself, I really hate it.

So, pity has turned to guilt, to frustration, to anger...etc. etc. etc.

Which brings me to here, now, tonight.  As a youth sponsor in our youth group I have the great privilege of being privy to sermons meant for the teenagers.  And as a youth sponsor for 6 yrs now, I would have to say that every Wed. night something speaks directly to me.  And tonight was no different.

For goodness sakes, I'm bad at repeating things I've heard.  But the gist of tonight's message was what will be said about you when you're gone.  Essentially, Am I living the life that God would want me to live?

And all I can think is that these past few weeks I have been so absorbed into myself that I haven't even been loving God. 

So tonight kicks off my mission to love God and in doing that learning to love others, because you can't love God without loving others.  That's the whole of who God is; Love. 

So here is how I loved today: 
After service I bought a candy bar.  My husband asked me for a bite and I gave him... the look.  Then he said "you're supposed to say 'sure honey, I love you".  And my head said "Love!"  So I offered him the whole candy bar, joyfully for real - with a smile on my face.  (thankfully, my extra loving husband only took 1 bite, but I still offered and would not have been upset had he accepted).

I know that that is really small, and really dumb.  But my love meter has been so low...so very low... that I haven't been showing love to anybody.  And that's pathetic. 

John 3:16 (Amplified)
⁶For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten (^[a]unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life.

Now that's something worth living for, someone who would give up his only son so that we could have life forever with him in heaven.

The Only Child Parent

Situation 1

Two of my good friends had their babies last Friday and I could not be happier for them!  It totally made my day to get two sets of such awesome news within hours of each other. 

I was texting with one of them this afternoon and she mentioned how her older child is having to get a little less "mommy time" now that the new baby has arrived.  I tried to think up something helpful to say, but I realized, I didn't have any advice for her.  I lamely replied "I'm sure you guys will figure it out soon."  But I've got nothing in the way of advice for more than 1 kid. 

Situation 2

Yesterday we had our neighbor friend over to play.  She is the youngest of 4 kids and precisely my daughter's age.  I was so excited because Am and her usually play for hours and I had alot to get done.  But for whatever reason my daughter was in a mood yesterday and as excited as she was to have her friend over she only wanted to play by herself.  Her poor friend, after just an hour, decided she wanted to go home and I wasn't sure what to do except to walk her across the street to her house.  I apologized to her mom and asked Am to apologize to her friend. 

My daughter doesn't have other playmates in the house.  She plays by herself alot and has gotten rather good at it.  To top it off, when she does have a playmate it's Mom, Dad, or Grandma... and we let her tell us what to play.  So as friendly and outgoing as she is, she hasn't learned to play well with other children. 

Somehow, I'm going to have to figure out a way to change this...

Scenario made difficult by our decision to homeschool. 

Brutally Honest....

I'm just going to be honest here.  Blogging these past few weeks has been hard.  Besides the few "good" days I've had, the majority have flown by in a haze of 'what's going on?' 

I keep battling in my mind whether or not to post all of the posts I've written from before, during and after my pregnancy a few weeks ago.  I just need to know that if I post that much vulnerability, there has to be a purpose in it.

I saw a friend of mine last night and she asked how my week was.  To be honest, I can't remember much of what happened last week.  I can't remember much of what has happened in the past 3 weeks.  It takes a lot of brain power to go back there for me, and when I do - ugh - it just stirs emotions in me that I'm not sure I'm ready to feel. 

I've cried.  Not as much as I would have liked, but I've cried.  Maybe allowing myself to cry more would have helped more.  But I feel guilty feeling sad, especially when I'm also filled with so much hope.  My whole being is in constant conflict and its making me so tired.

I'm trying to go back to my normal life, but find that most days I'm failing miserably.  Last night I made dinner again, did a load of dishes while it cooked, and remembered to ask my husband to switch over the laundry.  Pretty good for the weeks I've been having.  One more thing, each day.  I need to remind myself to keep my goals small. 

Defeat is looming over my head, and giving in would be, oh, so easy. 

But I am not defined by my circumstance.  My full definition is in Christ, and he sees the bigger picture. 

*In the next few days, at the encouragement of my husband, you will probably begin seeing some posts from my recent pregnancy and miscarriage. *

I Won!!

I don't tend to win things.  I don't think most people tend to win things, it just sort of happens.

 But here was an opportunity I could NOT pass up!  And to think, I could up my chances of winning to over 50:50 just by being a facebook postaholic... which I obviously am.

I recently was directed by my good friend over at Parenting God's Children to check out a couple of blogs she'd found that have to do with infertility. 

I was elated... seriously, beyond excited to find Life, Loss, and Other Things Worth Mentioning
This is a mom who is also dealing with recurrent miscarriage and secondary infertility!  Woohoo!!  Well, not really, but you get my point.  Someone with my scenario... her blog posts make perfect sense to me!

Today's first post is about me.. winning :)

So anyway, she posted a giveaway.  for The Organic Fertility Bible.  And I jumped at the chance! 

I did everything I could to enter!  and I WON!!!  So, I'm gleefully expecting my Organic Fertility Bible e-book soon.  YEA!

congrats to me :)  I'll spill all my new found knowledge on you when I'm done reading it!

Reunited and it feels so good...

I'm starting to come back to myself.  My days of mind numbing internet surfing and frequent naps are slowly coming to an end. 

Last night I had a glimpse of my former self and it was oh, so nice to be me again. 

I went to the garden, picked some fresh veggies.  Then I came inside, cooked our brats and onions, and sliced up zucchini.  When my hubby arrived home, the brats were ready for grilling, the zucchini was ready for eating. 

I had made dinner.  For the first time in almost 3 weeks I'm remembering how awesome it is to not have anxiety, not be worried about the baby, not be in a mind numbing state of loss. 

Following dinner, I did the dishes (yay!), grated 3 zucchini for freezing, and made cookies. 

Things are turning around, and I am so happy about it!

A little bit longer

It's been since Friday since I posted, but with all these thoughts streaming through my head it feels like its been months. 

Please be patient with me while I sort out the last few weeks.  As I've learned from experience, crying for a couple days and then I'm over the miscarriage and ready to move on isn't really how it works.  It's a process, each day; I handle a little bit more, and there is no telling when I'll be ready to bear all about it. 

This one was definately different, and God has blessed me with the knowledge of his goodness and faithfulness throughout.

 I have a deep feeling of hope and I know that good things are coming for us. 

Thank you for your patience.