I had an appointment with my midwife today, who just so happens to be one of my favorite people. Stepfoot (the name our daughter has affectionately given baby) was sleeping so her hearttones were reflective of her lazy morning. It was still nice to hear her beating heart though :)
My midwife, probably one of the world's best grandma's, was enthralling to my 4 year old who was so excited to get to help measure the baby in mommy's tummy. Am so gently pulled out the table, helped lay me back, and watched intently while I was measured.
and then my midwife said "You're measuring right on at 32 weeks!"
and I thought..."what?! I thought I was only 31 weeks??" oy ve. This date just got closer, and my house is not any closer to being ready.
but you know what? I don't really care!
HOLY COW I could meet this baby is 8 weeks!!! I remember a time when I just had to survive the next 8 weeks! and now...
Now... I might get to meet this baby in 8 weeks!!!
oh my gosh. I'm. so. excited.
3.19.2012
3.12.2012
Back to the Breast
PAIL post
This week is busy, to say the least. Not physically busy, just alot of big items on my to-do list. I'm having a baby in 8-12 weeks and if I think too much about it I start to have anxiety. There are just a few too many things to be accomplished in 8-12 weeks...
There are a few things though that bring me alot of peace about what happens after the next 10 weeks are over. One of those things is breastfeeding.
I haven't breastfed a child in almost 3 1/2 years, when I think about that its rather sad. Bfing Am was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. My daughter and I are extremely close, not in a needy type of way, but bonded - differently that she is to her father or grandma's. Her bond with me is special, and I attribute a lot of that to our breastfeeding experience.
I have an outgoing child, which she recieved the full measure of from her dad. As much as I love one-on-one relationships, and having friends; meeting people, introducing myself, and being the center of attention are not my cup of tea. My daughter, on the other hand, is very willing to introduce herself to the other children at the park, and has no qualms about finding herself in a new setting - she has always jumped right in.
And that's where I think breastfeeding bonded us. When it comes to people relationships, we're very different and she could find herself as different as black and white to me. But we're close, very close and I know it stems from those moments when we would snuggle up together and it seemed as if the whole world shut down and it was just us. She could run wild, free, and crazy - but when it came time to eat - we would turn off the rest of the world and I would hold her little hand, count her little toes, look into those beautiful blue eyes that so strongly resemble my own and it was just us.
Breastfeeding ended early for us at 10 months as it does for a lot of mothers with people loving children. I wish now that I would have made more of an effort to continue, realizing that later she might wish for that relationship to continue. But I let my poor nutrition and her activity win and I quickly lost my milk supply.
I know that my moments spent with my little one snuggled on my skin, suckling my breast were not in any way wasted. Even if all the research and data in the world showed that there were not nutritional difference between breastmilk and formula, I wouldn't give up those moments.
That is what I look forward to most about this next baby. I can't wait to foster an irreplaceable bond. I worry about where my older daughter will fit into the mix of her sister and I growing together. I pray that she does not separate herself from me because of it.
Something tells me though, that many of our breastfeeding moments will include a very happy 4 1/2 year old snuggling up beside us, holding her sister's hand, counting her sister's toes, and discovering along with me all the things I discovered about her.
Here's to a refreshing summer.
This week is busy, to say the least. Not physically busy, just alot of big items on my to-do list. I'm having a baby in 8-12 weeks and if I think too much about it I start to have anxiety. There are just a few too many things to be accomplished in 8-12 weeks...
There are a few things though that bring me alot of peace about what happens after the next 10 weeks are over. One of those things is breastfeeding.
I haven't breastfed a child in almost 3 1/2 years, when I think about that its rather sad. Bfing Am was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. My daughter and I are extremely close, not in a needy type of way, but bonded - differently that she is to her father or grandma's. Her bond with me is special, and I attribute a lot of that to our breastfeeding experience.
I have an outgoing child, which she recieved the full measure of from her dad. As much as I love one-on-one relationships, and having friends; meeting people, introducing myself, and being the center of attention are not my cup of tea. My daughter, on the other hand, is very willing to introduce herself to the other children at the park, and has no qualms about finding herself in a new setting - she has always jumped right in.
And that's where I think breastfeeding bonded us. When it comes to people relationships, we're very different and she could find herself as different as black and white to me. But we're close, very close and I know it stems from those moments when we would snuggle up together and it seemed as if the whole world shut down and it was just us. She could run wild, free, and crazy - but when it came time to eat - we would turn off the rest of the world and I would hold her little hand, count her little toes, look into those beautiful blue eyes that so strongly resemble my own and it was just us.
Breastfeeding ended early for us at 10 months as it does for a lot of mothers with people loving children. I wish now that I would have made more of an effort to continue, realizing that later she might wish for that relationship to continue. But I let my poor nutrition and her activity win and I quickly lost my milk supply.
I know that my moments spent with my little one snuggled on my skin, suckling my breast were not in any way wasted. Even if all the research and data in the world showed that there were not nutritional difference between breastmilk and formula, I wouldn't give up those moments.
That is what I look forward to most about this next baby. I can't wait to foster an irreplaceable bond. I worry about where my older daughter will fit into the mix of her sister and I growing together. I pray that she does not separate herself from me because of it.
Something tells me though, that many of our breastfeeding moments will include a very happy 4 1/2 year old snuggling up beside us, holding her sister's hand, counting her sister's toes, and discovering along with me all the things I discovered about her.
Here's to a refreshing summer.
3.08.2012
getting her in her own bed....
I took a nap with in my bed with my 4 year old this afternoon, and then after waking and playing, hours later put her in her own bed for bed time.
As I touched her super soft cheek and brushed hair away from her eyes I remembered a time when I couldn't nap with her because it would make bedtime a nightmare. I remember a time when bedtime was just a nightmare, naptime too for that matter. Those days when I would have to sit by her bed for what felt like hours and just keep putting her back in. And a few days where I just had to give up becuase I couldn't take it anymore.
During that time I would consol myself by saying "when she's six she'll go to bed no problem" "we won't still be doing this when she's six"
I gave myself a few extra years just incase we were still doing that when she was four... but here we are, with our big girl four year old (who's always asking me how long till she turns 5...) and she can sleep in my bed for a nap and transition to her own bed for bedtime just fine.
She sleeps great! Whether it be taking a nap alone, together, in my bed, in hers... whether it be bedtime at 7:00pm because she didn't have a nap or 8:30 because she did... sleeping is no longer a problem for this kid.
And I love it.
And it just reminds me of something one of my cousins told me before I had her "this too shall pass".
It did. We survived, she survived, and she's a pretty amazing kid.
As I touched her super soft cheek and brushed hair away from her eyes I remembered a time when I couldn't nap with her because it would make bedtime a nightmare. I remember a time when bedtime was just a nightmare, naptime too for that matter. Those days when I would have to sit by her bed for what felt like hours and just keep putting her back in. And a few days where I just had to give up becuase I couldn't take it anymore.
During that time I would consol myself by saying "when she's six she'll go to bed no problem" "we won't still be doing this when she's six"
I gave myself a few extra years just incase we were still doing that when she was four... but here we are, with our big girl four year old (who's always asking me how long till she turns 5...) and she can sleep in my bed for a nap and transition to her own bed for bedtime just fine.
She sleeps great! Whether it be taking a nap alone, together, in my bed, in hers... whether it be bedtime at 7:00pm because she didn't have a nap or 8:30 because she did... sleeping is no longer a problem for this kid.
And I love it.
And it just reminds me of something one of my cousins told me before I had her "this too shall pass".
It did. We survived, she survived, and she's a pretty amazing kid.
3.01.2012
PAIL Blogroll
You may have noticed a new addition to my blog - An adorable little linky over in the sidebar to the PAIL Blogroll.
What is this Blogroll and what does it mean you ask? Good question!
PAIL stands for Pregnancy/Parenting After Infertility and Loss, and a blogroll is a list of LOTS of us who are all in very similar situations.
The whole reason I started writing The Delicate Balance was because I found myself caught between two worlds - the fertile world, becuase of my daughter, and the infertile world because of our losses and secondary infertility. If you'd like to read my very first post you can find it here.
This world has gotten a little more muddied in the past 6 months when we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant 6 weeks after our 6th loss.
This pregnancy has been interesting as I wonder where I stand with my TTC friends, but yet my heart still aches, yearns for, and desires their companionship because believe it or not - this journey never ends, I still miss my babies.
I don't know what will happen after baby #2 is delivered. I don't know if we will once again enter into the TTC world or if our hearts have been so damaged we'll be looking elsewhere to expand our family. We just don't know.
But for now - we enjoy our 4 yr old, and all her joy, and we look forward to the arrival of our 2nd miracle, even when it still seems so unreal.
Please check out the PAIL Blogroll and find other people just like us who find ourselves navigating this oh so confusing road.
What is this Blogroll and what does it mean you ask? Good question!
PAIL stands for Pregnancy/Parenting After Infertility and Loss, and a blogroll is a list of LOTS of us who are all in very similar situations.
The whole reason I started writing The Delicate Balance was because I found myself caught between two worlds - the fertile world, becuase of my daughter, and the infertile world because of our losses and secondary infertility. If you'd like to read my very first post you can find it here.
This world has gotten a little more muddied in the past 6 months when we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant 6 weeks after our 6th loss.
This pregnancy has been interesting as I wonder where I stand with my TTC friends, but yet my heart still aches, yearns for, and desires their companionship because believe it or not - this journey never ends, I still miss my babies.
I don't know what will happen after baby #2 is delivered. I don't know if we will once again enter into the TTC world or if our hearts have been so damaged we'll be looking elsewhere to expand our family. We just don't know.
But for now - we enjoy our 4 yr old, and all her joy, and we look forward to the arrival of our 2nd miracle, even when it still seems so unreal.
Please check out the PAIL Blogroll and find other people just like us who find ourselves navigating this oh so confusing road.
2.25.2012
And its all so confusing....
Yesterday, I had the incredible priveledge of attending the birth of a good friend's baby. It was absolutely amazing. My friend did absolutely amazing.
I arrived home, and read a post from a fellow TTC blogger. Who through this journey, has become what I consider a friend. Yesterday, her fears were confirmed. She was miscarrying her baby, again.
The strangeness of it all.
A life born onto earth, a life born into heaven.
My heart is full of joy for my friend, my heart aches for my friend.
I arrived home, and read a post from a fellow TTC blogger. Who through this journey, has become what I consider a friend. Yesterday, her fears were confirmed. She was miscarrying her baby, again.
The strangeness of it all.
A life born onto earth, a life born into heaven.
My heart is full of joy for my friend, my heart aches for my friend.
2.20.2012
27 weeks....
Today marks 27 weeks into my pregnancy.
More importantly, today marks 1 week shy of entering my 3rd trimester! (can you sense the excitement?) feel it baby, its real.
I've had so many different and conflicting emotions during this pregnancy. It's like I'm in a constant battle with myself to enjoy and feel, and hurry through to see my prize. I want to enjoy what may be my last pregnancy, but after all we've been through - I care much less about the pregnancy and much much more about the baby.
To help me put some things into perspective let me share my disappointments and excitements:
Disppointments
1) I remember pregnancy being way more awesome than this. I remember it as this magical time in my life with Amariss, where we would just rest and get to know each other, and I didn't have many cares in the world. I didn't know the reality of babies dying before they should (other than my previous miscarriages). I didn't understand the truth of the NICU. I didn't understand the importance of nutrition and exercise, so I ate whatever I wanted. Now I've heard countless stories of babies dying in the womb, have friends and clients who have lived through the NICU, and struggle daily to make sure I'm putting the right nutrition into my body to feed my growing baby.
2) I wanted to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, but all I really want now is to hit 37 weeks so I know that if she's born, she'll be safe. I work with pregnant women, when I'm working, and around 32-33 weeks they get really complainy. Suddenly, they just want this baby out! And that's all they talk about. They talk about feeling sick and tired all through the first trimester, then complain about something else through the second, and finally by the time they reach the third the only thing they feel for pregnancy is I'M DONE! I never wanted to feel that way. I longed for a pregnancy for so long that I wanted to treasure every single awful moment and bask in the glory of the good moments. But now it seems my days are filled with worry and anxiety. Did she move enough today? Am I cramping or stretching? was that another Braxton-Hicks? How many have I had today? Why do I feel light headed? Is it my blood pressure? Is it my blood sugar? and the what-ifs keep coming. And here I am, ready to be done with the what-ifs. Just ready to enjoy pregnancy, being pregnant, and joyfully (yes, joyfully) anticipating labor and delivery of a beautiful baby girl.
Excitements
1) I'm learning to trust God more than I ever have before. All those questions mentioned above - they send my anxiety levels sky high, and once again I have to ground myself. Shortly after I announced my pregnancy I had a conversation with the director at our pregnancy center. It went something like this:
Me: I just want to be done and have a healthy baby! There's too much stuff to be worried about during pregnancy!
Vicki: Maybe God designed pregnancy to be 9 months for more than just the development of the baby. Maybe there are things he wants you to learn too.
And she left it at that. Yep, lots of trust to be learned. I find myself hurryng back to the scriptures I've quoted before:
Phillipians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And there I am, with a pregnancy that has not been as peachy as my fourth, but much peachier than my 1-3 or 5-7 learning in new ways every day to trust God.
2) I'm gaining a different perspective on pregnancy. Up until this pregnancy my ideas of what pregnancy "should" or "did" look like were based upon a near flawless pregnancy, things I'd read in books, and 6 miscarriages. So, essentially - if you made it past 12 weeks I didn't have much for you in the way of "been there, done that" experience. And now, here I am - in a rougher pregnancy. Morning sickness that lasted longer than 18 weeks, and was much different than before, and now grappling with blood sugar problems that have yet to be figured out... whether it be high or low. (glucose tolerance test on wednesday). I don't want to be a diabetic. I don't want to be hypoglycemic. I just want to be normal, like I was with Am. However, as my mom pointed out to me - I am learning alot, and becoming much more sympathetic towards women who have less than perfect pregnancies.
3) Labor and Delivery. Yes, I'm excited about it. My first labor with Am was long and hard. I wasn't prepared for a long prodromal period, nor how painful that really can be. I wasn't the woman then that I am now. I've grown up, matured, made changes to my lifestyle - and am considerably more educated (not sure if that's a good or bad thing). I can not wait to experience all that labor and delivery have for me. I can't wait to put some of my knowledge into real life, first-person experience. For 3 years I've been educating women on birth, and just waiting until I could experience it too and now my time is coming and I am so very excited.
I'm ready to be humbled, ready to be tired, ready for the pain - but mostly I'm ready to meet this miracle.
And that is that.
27 weeks.
3 months.
I can't wait to hold both my girls in my arms and let all the tears of all we've lost and all we've gained mingle together as I bask in the miracles that are my children.
God has blessed me abundantly.
More importantly, today marks 1 week shy of entering my 3rd trimester! (can you sense the excitement?) feel it baby, its real.
I've had so many different and conflicting emotions during this pregnancy. It's like I'm in a constant battle with myself to enjoy and feel, and hurry through to see my prize. I want to enjoy what may be my last pregnancy, but after all we've been through - I care much less about the pregnancy and much much more about the baby.
To help me put some things into perspective let me share my disappointments and excitements:
Disppointments
1) I remember pregnancy being way more awesome than this. I remember it as this magical time in my life with Amariss, where we would just rest and get to know each other, and I didn't have many cares in the world. I didn't know the reality of babies dying before they should (other than my previous miscarriages). I didn't understand the truth of the NICU. I didn't understand the importance of nutrition and exercise, so I ate whatever I wanted. Now I've heard countless stories of babies dying in the womb, have friends and clients who have lived through the NICU, and struggle daily to make sure I'm putting the right nutrition into my body to feed my growing baby.
2) I wanted to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, but all I really want now is to hit 37 weeks so I know that if she's born, she'll be safe. I work with pregnant women, when I'm working, and around 32-33 weeks they get really complainy. Suddenly, they just want this baby out! And that's all they talk about. They talk about feeling sick and tired all through the first trimester, then complain about something else through the second, and finally by the time they reach the third the only thing they feel for pregnancy is I'M DONE! I never wanted to feel that way. I longed for a pregnancy for so long that I wanted to treasure every single awful moment and bask in the glory of the good moments. But now it seems my days are filled with worry and anxiety. Did she move enough today? Am I cramping or stretching? was that another Braxton-Hicks? How many have I had today? Why do I feel light headed? Is it my blood pressure? Is it my blood sugar? and the what-ifs keep coming. And here I am, ready to be done with the what-ifs. Just ready to enjoy pregnancy, being pregnant, and joyfully (yes, joyfully) anticipating labor and delivery of a beautiful baby girl.
Excitements
1) I'm learning to trust God more than I ever have before. All those questions mentioned above - they send my anxiety levels sky high, and once again I have to ground myself. Shortly after I announced my pregnancy I had a conversation with the director at our pregnancy center. It went something like this:
Me: I just want to be done and have a healthy baby! There's too much stuff to be worried about during pregnancy!
Vicki: Maybe God designed pregnancy to be 9 months for more than just the development of the baby. Maybe there are things he wants you to learn too.
And she left it at that. Yep, lots of trust to be learned. I find myself hurryng back to the scriptures I've quoted before:
Phillipians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And there I am, with a pregnancy that has not been as peachy as my fourth, but much peachier than my 1-3 or 5-7 learning in new ways every day to trust God.
2) I'm gaining a different perspective on pregnancy. Up until this pregnancy my ideas of what pregnancy "should" or "did" look like were based upon a near flawless pregnancy, things I'd read in books, and 6 miscarriages. So, essentially - if you made it past 12 weeks I didn't have much for you in the way of "been there, done that" experience. And now, here I am - in a rougher pregnancy. Morning sickness that lasted longer than 18 weeks, and was much different than before, and now grappling with blood sugar problems that have yet to be figured out... whether it be high or low. (glucose tolerance test on wednesday). I don't want to be a diabetic. I don't want to be hypoglycemic. I just want to be normal, like I was with Am. However, as my mom pointed out to me - I am learning alot, and becoming much more sympathetic towards women who have less than perfect pregnancies.
3) Labor and Delivery. Yes, I'm excited about it. My first labor with Am was long and hard. I wasn't prepared for a long prodromal period, nor how painful that really can be. I wasn't the woman then that I am now. I've grown up, matured, made changes to my lifestyle - and am considerably more educated (not sure if that's a good or bad thing). I can not wait to experience all that labor and delivery have for me. I can't wait to put some of my knowledge into real life, first-person experience. For 3 years I've been educating women on birth, and just waiting until I could experience it too and now my time is coming and I am so very excited.
I'm ready to be humbled, ready to be tired, ready for the pain - but mostly I'm ready to meet this miracle.
And that is that.
27 weeks.
3 months.
I can't wait to hold both my girls in my arms and let all the tears of all we've lost and all we've gained mingle together as I bask in the miracles that are my children.
God has blessed me abundantly.
2.07.2012
and it all comes back to the same thing...
The last few days/ last week have been stressful for me and the more stress I feel, the more stress I put on myself. A compounding effect, a cycle that never really ends until finally I just break down and realize I'm crazy.
Lets go back, because I like going back...
I was born an introvert, and although that isn't necessarily a bad thing, I had always leaned heavily on this as a crutch in my life. I realize now that what a lot of people may take as a standoffish or snobby personality was me not knowing how to talk to people, and so I just didn't. If you went to high school with me, you might think its crazy to say I was introverted because I was a cheerleader and on speech team, but those things were acting to me. An outlet where I could put on this invincible shield of that "character" and just be who I was playing.
Deep down, groups of people make me nervous, meeting new people makes me nervous, and starting conversations also makes me nervous. However, I met and married the most extroverted person I know, and in that, I have come out of my shell quite a bit. Although, I still find myself falling into this rut, often.
All this to say, I had a lot of fear of people. So over the years I began to quote to myself:
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And slowly but surely I began to control my anxiety around people. But lately I find myself coming back to the same things.
Not necessarily people this time, but circumstances. Here I am, pregnant, healthy, and excited. But terribly fearful.
and I repeat to myself "God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and of a sound mind."
I pray that the knowledge I've learned over the years about childbirth would give me power, that I would be moved by a deep love for my unborn baby, and that my mind would not be anxious, but that it would be sound - solid, unshakeable.
And it all has come full circle, I'm still fighting fear.
And God is still winning.
Lets go back, because I like going back...
I was born an introvert, and although that isn't necessarily a bad thing, I had always leaned heavily on this as a crutch in my life. I realize now that what a lot of people may take as a standoffish or snobby personality was me not knowing how to talk to people, and so I just didn't. If you went to high school with me, you might think its crazy to say I was introverted because I was a cheerleader and on speech team, but those things were acting to me. An outlet where I could put on this invincible shield of that "character" and just be who I was playing.
Deep down, groups of people make me nervous, meeting new people makes me nervous, and starting conversations also makes me nervous. However, I met and married the most extroverted person I know, and in that, I have come out of my shell quite a bit. Although, I still find myself falling into this rut, often.
All this to say, I had a lot of fear of people. So over the years I began to quote to myself:
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
And slowly but surely I began to control my anxiety around people. But lately I find myself coming back to the same things.
Not necessarily people this time, but circumstances. Here I am, pregnant, healthy, and excited. But terribly fearful.
and I repeat to myself "God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and of a sound mind."
I pray that the knowledge I've learned over the years about childbirth would give me power, that I would be moved by a deep love for my unborn baby, and that my mind would not be anxious, but that it would be sound - solid, unshakeable.
And it all has come full circle, I'm still fighting fear.
And God is still winning.
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