Back to the Breast

PAIL post

This week is busy, to say the least.  Not physically busy, just alot of big items on my to-do list.  I'm having a baby in 8-12 weeks and if I think too much about it I start to have anxiety.  There are just a few too many things to be accomplished in 8-12 weeks...

There are a few things though that bring me alot of peace about what happens after the next 10 weeks are over.  One of those things is breastfeeding. 

I haven't breastfed a child in almost 3 1/2 years, when I think about that its rather sad.  Bfing Am was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.  My daughter and I are extremely close, not in a needy type of way, but bonded - differently that she is to her father or grandma's.  Her bond with me is special, and I attribute a lot of that to our breastfeeding experience. 

I have an outgoing child, which she recieved the full measure of from her dad.  As much as I love one-on-one relationships, and having friends; meeting people, introducing myself, and being the center of attention are not my cup of tea.  My daughter, on the other hand, is very willing to introduce herself to the other children at the park, and has no qualms about finding herself in a new setting - she has always jumped right in. 

And that's where I think breastfeeding bonded us.  When it comes to people relationships, we're very different and she could find herself as different as black and white to me.  But we're close, very close and I know it stems from those moments when we would snuggle up together and it seemed as if the whole world shut down and it was just us.  She could run wild, free, and crazy - but when it came time to eat - we would turn off the rest of the world and I would hold her little hand, count her little toes, look into those beautiful blue eyes that so strongly resemble my own and it was just us. 

Breastfeeding ended early for us at 10 months as it does for a lot of mothers with people loving children.  I wish now that I would have made more of an effort to continue, realizing that later she might wish for that relationship to continue.  But I let my poor nutrition and her activity win and I quickly lost my milk supply. 

I know that my moments spent with my little one snuggled on my skin, suckling my breast were not in any way wasted.  Even if all the research and data in the world showed that there were not nutritional difference between breastmilk and formula, I wouldn't give up those moments. 

That is what I look forward to most about this next baby.  I can't wait to foster an irreplaceable bond.  I worry about where my older daughter will fit into the mix of her sister and I growing together.  I pray that she does not separate herself from me because of it. 

Something tells me though, that many of our breastfeeding moments will include a very happy 4 1/2 year old snuggling up beside us, holding her sister's hand, counting her sister's toes, and discovering along with me all the things I discovered about her. 

Here's to a refreshing summer.