July, the month of 4

Before reading, let me remind you once again that this blog is written as therapy for myself and also for insight to those managing miscarriage or recurrent miscarriage.  This is my personal story and each story differs from person to person.   

July 20, 2006.

Today marks 6 years since our very first miscarriage.  If I'd known then what this road would look like I'm not sure I'd have been able to handle it.  I took this loss the hardest as it came as the most unexpected.

I had never had any idea that 1 in 3 women miscarry, and most of all I never dreamed I would be greater than the statistic.

I was comforted one day by a woman who had had 4 losses and I remember thinking that I would never survive 4.  But here we are, we have, we did, and my life has continued.

The feeling most associated with this loss was shock.

This baby's name is Baby K.

July 24, 2010. 

This is the day we suffered our 5th miscarriage (6th pregnancy).

Physically, it was the most painful.  Emotionally the most devastating.  This was the 2nd loss since having Am and with it I was left with a sense of hopelessness.  Nothing will work, there's nothing left to try.  In a sense I felt broken.

This baby's name is Woven.

Psalm 139:15 "My frame was not hidden fro you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body."

July 27, 2009.

This is the day we suffered our 4th miscarriage (5th pregnancy). 

I never thought I'd lose this baby.  It was my first pregnancy after Am and I felt perfectly nauseous and had strange cravings.  It was glorious to feel to pregnant.  Just a few days in though bright red bleeding and cramping brought my world tumbling down and despite perfect blood results from a few days before my body could not carry this baby. 

This baby's name is Cinco, representing our 5th child. 

And then most recently...

Just last week, on July 13, 2011 we recieved some unfavorable blood results.  An unexpected pregnancy lead to an unexpected loss and no matter how strong you are, your heart breaks a little. 

In contrast to last year's loss (Woven), I do not feel hopelessness.  Infact, I feel quite the opposite.  I feel hopeful.  I know our future is bright and I feel more encouraged than ever that we will have more children. 

Romans 8:11 "And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you."

This mortal body, this messed up, mortal body - has never felt more alive in Christ than it has these past few days.  I see hope for our future and know that my life is complete and full in all that Christ has given us. 

I've surrendered my dreams but still believe in his promise.

This baby's name is Bunnin. 

I will post more regarding our last miscarriage in the next few days.

Thank you so much for all of your love and support.