It's the week before Mother's Day and I have been thinking -

I haven't logged into Blogger in so long I was worried I might have to reenter my password... and then the hassle of trying to remember my password. 

I almost didn't put forth the effort. 

But here I am - so far past my last blog.  

It is the first week of May already and we are on our spring break before we head into our final 9 weeks of school.  Ending the last week of July, just in time to take a 4 week break and start again in September.  Woohoo!

Homeschoolers love making their own crazy schedule to fit their own crazy needs!
  
It has been an emotionally strange week for me.  And by that I mean that I have cried this week.  To a friend, not my husband and that was weird.  Not because crying is weird, I'm just not one of the people in this world who can make the tears come out.  I feel them inside, but rarely do they work their way out of my eyeballs.

Whoa - that was off.

This whole post is off.  Who knows if I'll even post it! 

Monday was the 3 year anniversary of our loss of Isaiah.  Monday Aaron left for France for 4 days (work trip, mostly travel time.), Wednesday I finished reading Ghost Belly, which is a memoir written by a mom regarding her stillbirth.  And Mother's Day is Sunday.  

All of this just wraps its way around my heart. 

Isaiah's loss, Aaron gone, emotionally exhausting book, Doron's birth mom.  My heart is feeling pulled at.  

I don't know.  That's it I guess.  It all is just surrounding me and I'm trying to process while I live and breathe and mother and purge and manage this.  all of this.  

I started a 2000 Things Clutter Free Challenge, and I'm decluttering spaces - 15 minutes at a time, 15 minutes a day...

That's really about all I can handle.  But I look up at the top shelf of my closet where 5 baby boxes sit.  5 boxes of memories representing 8 babies who never took a breath on Earth but live full and beautiful lives in heaven - I don't know what to do with them.  And I know that right now, I'm leaving that space to be purged later.  I'm not sure what to do with them.

A paragraph near the end of Ghost Belly rings through my mind - 

"It's supposed to be comforting to know that overwhelming grief will not last forever, that it will fade and you'll feel normal again, that sadness will become something that remains within measure rather than covering the universe.
It's certainly practical that this happens.  It makes it more tolerable to correct page proofs for a book that has been in production far too long.  It's even good that this happens: It makes it possible to laugh at baby giggles.
But it's no comfort.  Even when I was in my deepest despair about Thor's death, I feared the day that despair would lessen, because I knew it would feel like a betrayal: a betrayal of a child already grievously betrayed."

- I feel that, towards each baby box.  Even though I know they were there for me.  For Aaron and I to process our grief better and to remember the journey of each child of ours.   But here now, almost 10 years after our first loss - Seriously, 10 YEARS?!  I can remember that day like it was yesterday.  

10 years after our first loss... almost 3 years after our last...  I'm healed, healing?  healed enough?  I don't think of our little ones every day, not even every week.  I remember their lives.  I can mention 8 miscarriages without feeling the angst in my soul.  And even then, I have forgotten the most wrenching parts of the pain surrounding it.  

I sat yesterday morning reading in my devotions from 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4  "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. "

I was reminded in this.  I don't speak as much about the years we walked through our miscarriage journey, I have felt out of place in this world having now moved to the other side of that journey and have followed God's leading into a new and different (albeit still hard) journey of motherhood.

There was a time when remembering the pain, plunged me into feeling the pain so deeply all over again - and now that that has past, remembering the pain just reminds me of God's faithfulness here on this side of our journey.  But as I read those verses in 2 Corinthians I was reminded, yet again, that I was comforted in all of my troubles and because of that I can be a comfort for those who are facing the same sorts of troubles.  I took so much strength from God as I walked that hard hard road of loss.  And it propelled me to lean into him for strength during the hard hard road of life.  The hard road of adoption and unknowns, the hard road of surgeries, the hard road of respiratory illnesses, the hard road of separation disorders, the hard road of night terrors, the hard road of an incorrect ADHD diagnosis, the hard road of making hard decisions, hard phone calls, and asking the hard questions - the hard road of all of the unpredictables that are bound to come our way.

While the journey I am currently walking is important and valuable and holds great significance - the journey we have already endured has not lost its importance, its value or its significance.  While speaking about miscarriage is no longer a daily part of my life, the role it has played in my past can still make an important impact on someone else's life.

And then there is Mother's Day - and tackling this day as an adoptive mom for the very first time.  I am currently processing that - remembering and honoring Doron's birth mom on this day.  I remember her nearly every day because our boy is so incredible.  I look at him in awe and wonder and I love him, his past, his present, his future.  All he is, all he will be, and where he came from.  This woman, who loved our son, but couldn't mother him - I am processing her this week as well.  I suspect she will be in my heart for the rest of my life.

God bless,
Brie

An Attainable Goal

It was Christmas Eve this year and I found myself in a quandary.  I was questioning my decision to post a picture of my three beautiful children dressed in matching pajamas on to Facebook.  Just three weeks earlier I had spoken to a room of a 100 women about family traditions and out of the whole thing all I could remember was that I had essentially said - we don't have an Elf of the Shelf.  We don't talk about Santa and we don't wear matching PJ's on Christmas Eve.  Honestly, that generally had been true, up until that point.

Just because it is so cute, you need to see if for yourself.

Within a week of the Ladies Brunch we had an Elf on the Shelf (courtesy of "Santa" - you know, the one we don't talk about).  And here we were on Christmas Eve and I was lining up my little munchkins in front of my Mom's Christmas tree dressed in identical pajamas (honestly, it was a fantastic sale and a strike of luck that they had my kids' sizes... luck, or a little bit of humility from the Lord?)  To make matters worse on the "I'm a complete hypocrite scale," I knew that by morning my three year old would be convinced that Santa was in fact real; because I had carefully selected and wrapped a brand new soccer ball to be placed under the tree - the only thing she wanted for Christmas from Santa.  

I was really feeling low.  It was about the middle of the Christmas Eve movie that my kids were exhausted and ready for bed.  But I really really wanted to watch Elf (because you know... selfish.)  There was whining, complaining, lots and lots of wriggling.  It wasn't much fun.  It was kind of ruining the movie.  So we tried to put the kids to bed, but they weren't falling asleep fast enough.  

Somewhere in there I said something ridiculous.  It might have sounded something like "Christmas is never about moms.  Christmas is always about the kids."  

A far cry from my line three weeks prior, "Christmas is always about Jesus."  

Let's be honest.  I wasn't in a good place.  Somehow all of it - the hub bub, the holly jolly, the Santa - It had sucked me in.  My contentedness had been stripped and replaced by a mystical idea that Christmas should be all about me and since I knew it wouldn't be I was mad about it.

How did this happen?

I'm not really sure how it happened.  I'm not even exactly sure what happened.  

But I found myself crying, wondering if I had ruined my kids' lives, or at the very least their Christmas (of which, I did neither, they're okay - thankfully).  

Here we are two days left in this year, and I'm still wondering what went wrong last week.  I'm trying to make plans and goals - wondering what God's vision is for our lives in this coming year, and I keep coming back to this lesson learned.  

No matter the day, the week, the month, the season - something will always be vying to strip my attention from the King of all Kings.  No matter how grounded I thought I was - there is still an enemy out there seeking to destroy my soul, my day, my week - my Christmas.  

Christmas is a beautiful holiday.  A celebration of the birth of the Savior who brought salvation to all the world.  That when the world harbors evil all around we can have joy and peace within because of his great sacrifice.  

~My goal is to seek the Lord.~

Psalm 27:8 "My hearts says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek.

This week has been profound for my heart.  I haven't sought the Lord like I wish I would have.  But God has still been speaking to me, etching his words onto my heart.  Reminding me of who he his, and who I can be - no, who I am - in him.  

This year, when all the pressures and stresses overwhelm you - take it down to this simple truth.  

Seek the Lord.  

Be blessed my friends,

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  

Brie

6 months with Doron

Tomorrow (or today if you're reading this on the 18th) we mark 6 months with our sweet little boy.  A journey I could never have imagined to be as wild, as wonderful, and as marked with God's glory as it has been.

A little boy who came into our lives with joy and laughter and beauty.

Those are from our Family Day on May, 18, 2015.    Funny, then I thought he was just calm cool and collected.  Now I can see his concerned little face, confused by the surroundings but happy to have candy.  The kid will do anything for candy.

Just a few pics from our first summer together.  Man, I can't wait to see what the rest of our lives have in store for this family!

Orphan Sunday is this Sunday!

November 8 is Orphan Sunday!

Churches all across the world will be recognizing Orphan Sunday this year.  I highly encourage you to find a church near you and get involved!

If you are in the Quad Cities IA/IL area you can visit us at First Assembly of God Church, 1811 18th Street, Bettendorf, IA at 9:00am or 10:45am.  We will be collecting Journey Bags for children entering foster care in Scott County.

To put together a Journey Bag bring a new backpack with 1 item inside.  This item can be a toy, pajamas, warm blanket, stuffed animal, game - any item that can be just for this child.  Many children when placed in foster care are taken from their home with very little to call their own.  They often do not even have a backpack for their items.  This Journey Bag will be only theirs.  The gift inside is just for them; a tangible way we can touch their lives and let them know people care about them.  You can choose to make a journey bag for a boy or a girl and any age.  If you would like to participate you can private message me on Facebook.

Visit The Forgotten Initiative website for more information on how you can make a difference for those in the Foster Care community!


And check out the Orphan Sunday website to find a church near you and to find out how you can get involved on Orphan Sunday!

Be Blessed,
Brie

5 Ways You Can Support An Adoptive/Foster Family

When a family you know adopts a child it can seem like there are a lot of new "rules" on how to interact with them.  You know that they are bringing home a new child and you know they need their space - but you want to help them out.  You might wonder how, or what, you can do for them while still allowing them to bond as a family.

The same goes for foster parents!  Foster families are often times going through similar struggles or even more difficult struggles than adoptive families.  They need help and support from their community as well!

Here are 5 ways you can support a foster or adoptive family.

1. Send them a "family night" box.

             This could include a movie or game, gift certificates for pizza (enough to feed their whole         family), popcorn, and cookies.

2. Call them up and tell them you will be bringing them a meal on ______night.

            If someone says "Let me know when I can bring you a meal."  My response is going to be "Thanks!" but I'm pretty sure I won't ever call and ask for that meal.  Pride can be a hard thing to get over.  On the other hand, offering a meal that night at 5pm might mean they've already prepared something else...  If you prepare in advance for them or bring them over a freezer meal for later, that goes a long way for making a huge difference for some tired parents.  

3.  Better yet...set up a meal train for families who have just brought home an adoptive child or are bringing a new foster child into their family!  Much like bringing home a new baby (and sometimes dare I say...more difficult?) bringing a new child into your family can be hard on everyone making dinners difficult for several weeks!  Help a family out by offering to be the coordinator of a meal train and make sure they are set for a long time!

4.  Offer to mow their lawn  or shovel their snow!  If yardwork isn't your thing offer to wash and fold their laundry or do their dishes!  This idea came when I asked the question in a Facebook group I am in for adoptive families.  When bringing home a new child it can be so overwhelming and difficult.  Relieving an added stress (like yardwork or housework) that takes away from much needed family time would be so welcome to a family.  Much like a meal train offering to mow their lawn for a month or two or setting up a laundry service for them for a month or two (or six) would make a huge difference and be very appreciated!

5.  Have lots and lots of grace for a newly adoptive family.  If they suddenly don't make it to an event where they were expected, most likely they just couldn't come - for their new child and their new family.  If they don't want you to hold their child for a long time, respect that.  The bonding process is a long one and a two year old born raised in a different environment is not like one raised in your home since birth.  Everything is new and unknown, and in that their family is new and unknown.  With the instability they have already faced they may wonder just who is the next family they are going to.  The newly adoptive family's avoidance of big public events isn't because of you it is for their child.  If they don't discipline the way you think they should, understand this new territory. We don't understand our child's history and discipline just simply can't be the same way it would be with a biological child.  Lots of grace and lots of patience go a long way to help a family.

Also - check out this great article by No Hands But Ours Three Ways The Church Can Support Adoptive Families

Be Blessed,
Brie

National Adoption Month!

I am so excited that November is here!  Thanksgiving, Christmas, Family, Food... and it is National Adoption Month!

Last year we spent this month anxiously awaiting our trip to China!  We knew Doron would be ours but there were so many unknowns surrounding when and how.  Here we are, home almost 6 months and Doron is doing great.  We have some bumpy days, to put it mildy but right now as I type this Aaron and Doron and laughing and giggling.  If you have heard our son's giggle, you know, it is contagious and adorable.

To start off National Adoption Month I want to encourage you to seek out organizations that promote and aid adoptions and also ways that you can make a difference in the foster and adoption community.

I am going to do my best (pending kids and holidays) to promote ways you can help the adoption community all month long!  This may mean sharing links to other posts, but I encourage you to please check them out.  They are all a valuable resource and can help you make a difference in a child's or a family's life.

Today I'm going to send you over to Holt International's Blog Top 5 Myths About Special Needs Adoption.

Blessings,
Brie

Homeschooling Honesty.

All day I've had these ideas of what I could blog about, none of them overtly inspirational or positive.

 Earlier this week I found myself so overwhelmed with the weight of homeschooling.  The responsibility of homeschooling.  All the questions came flooding over me.  What am I doing?  Is this really the right thing for our family?  Am I supposed to be doing this?  Is it supposed to be this hard?  Will she ever learn diligence and good work ethic and how to make and stick to a schedule?  Will she be educated enough to go to college?  Be a doctor or a chemist?  Will I have succeeded in educating her to be whatever she wants to be?

And then all those things that I hold over my head came rushing back.  I'm not very organized (I used to be, but not anymore.  Not with three kids).  I'm not very diligent.  I don't have a good work ethic.  I hate doing the dishes.  and the laundry. And I don't like to clean.  {This is where my mom would say she didn't do a good job teaching me, but it isn't that at all.}

All of the sudden I realized that if I screw up at home, there won't be a school either to pick up my broken pieces and teach my children what it means to turn in an assignment on time and completed.  There won't ever by bells and time constraints.  There won't ever by deadlines or directional plotting to make sure you can make it to your locker, the bathroom, and your class on the fourth floor in 3 very short minutes.

And it weighed on me.  All of it.  All week.  All week as we barely got our school work accomplished while I snuggled a healing boy, tried to keep him calm but the other two busy.  A difficult week when I tried so hard to show my struggling three year old just how important she is, but I hurt the way her eyes say she feels looked over.

Today I sat in the ballet waiting area, unshowered with pony-tailed hair, my eyes revealing my weariness,  I turned to the seasoned mom next to me and asked "Do you ever feel like 'what am I doing??"  Her response was just what a weary mom needed.  "Oh yah, all the time.  I've felt like that since the beginning."  -- solidarity.

We got in the car and drove home.  As Amariss belted out the sound of music and Doron somehow fell asleep through it all, I drifted in my own thoughts.  I saw a man on a corner, holding two different sodas in each hand, waiting for the lights to change.  And I thought briefly "I wish I could just sit on the couch and drink two different sodas and binge watch Netflix for like 2 days."  But then I shook my head, no, not really.  I would want to clean the house first... and by the time I finished that I would want to be with my kids again.

But I reminded myself of why we're in this.  Why we homeschool.  Public schools are great, I think they have fantastic teachers who work so hard to make a difference in the lives of kids.  I'm so thankful for all the friends I have who pour so much of themselves into teaching little ones.  I cannot imagine how difficult this is.

I just read through our vision statement.  We wrote this before we started homeschooling Am in Kindergarten.  And I don't know that I have read it since.  But another seasoned homeschool mom told me 'Write out a vision statement and read it often, because you will need to remember why you are doing this'.  Despite all of Am's advancements and achievements just in this past quarter of school, the hard days make you want to throw it all away in an instant.  And while I haven't read our vision statement in 3 years, I can see that by reading it we are still holding to it.  And I am so thankful for that.

I am so thankful that this really hard job of educating our children is worth it.  I am so thankful that on really hard days, really hard weeks, and sometimes really hard months; there is still purpose in all of this.  And I am thankful that for this time and this season, God has shown us time and time again that we are doing what he has called us to do right now.

Blessings my friends.

Brie