Remembering and moving on.....

In all that is going on around us right now, it is hard for me to blaze past tomorrow without remembering what the day is for us.  It was on May 2, 2013 (just 1 month after our sweet Doron's birth) that I was suffering my 7th miscarriage.  Losing Isaiah was difficult, he was by far the longest pregnancy I had ever carried and still lost, and because of a tumultuous pregnancy we had spent the 5 weeks we had known of his existence getting to know his little body inside of me.

Isaiah Michael 9 weeks gestation

You can read about Isaiah's pregnancy here and his memorial service here.  I remember those few days between losing him and his service on May 4 as a sort of limbo I lived in.  It was the world of grief that I knew from previous losses that I would come out of but I didn't know when or how.  I just knew that somehow Jesus had always carried us through and he would only continue to do so.

Isaiah came as a surprise, halting and interupting our adoption plans.  We had seen him as an answer to prayer as to what we should do when we didn't know where to go. And when we lost him, it gave us more time to think and prepare.  We had made the decision to wait until Isaiah's due date before pursuing adoption any further.  I never wanted to replace a child I'd lost with a new child.  I wanted to be for sure that I had 100% grieved Isaiah's loss before we moved forward with bringing another child into our home.  

For months I would rock Zemirah to sleep and wonder when I would get to hold Isaiah and rock him to sleep.  I mourned him, long and hard.  His due date came and went and still I would have to remind myself that Isaiah was never coming to my arms this side of heaven.  It is strange the way grief can grip you.  It holds on to your heart and while slipping into the shadows it will alert that it is still there at the most inoportune times.  I would sit and wonder about the child we would adopt someday and in my mind say "When I can rock Isaiah..."  

As time passed eventually I stopped thinking about rocking Isaiah.  I stopped wondering what he would have looked like or smelled like.  I stopped picturing him in my arms.  By this time we were ready to move on with our adoption from China, and finally we are ready. 

It was a few months ago when I realized that when I rock Zemirah to sleep, or just sit in my rocking chair while she falls asleep by herself, I wonder what life will be like when Doron is in my arms.  I remember Isaiah but he is not who I yearn for anymore.  My heart has healed and I am ready and willing, excited, to bring home a different little boy, one who has his own dreams and passions, one uniquely created to be himself.  No strings attached.  No previous agenda.  Doron for who Doron is.  

Someday all my children will play together in heaven, our 8 babies who have gone before us and the 3 we have here on earth.  I can't imagine what it will be like, but it will be a beautiful day.  

Thankfulness

Can I say that the stress is starting to pile on?

Yesterday was an interesting day.  We had an appointment for our older daughter to discuss a developmental concern, what I thought would be an easy in/easy out appointment left me reeling and wishing I had brought my husband along!  What was supposed to be an end, ended up being a beginning - a very unexpected beginning.  On the way to this appointment I accidentally hit a car in the parking lot.  I haven't had an accident since we moved here nearly 10 years ago, also in a parking lot.  What was supposed to be tying up loose ends so we can move forward and head to China put more work on my plate.  Then there was a line at the drive-through for Chick fil A, I seriously waited for 20 minutes.  And then there was a major lemonade disaster while driving down the interestate.  Yesterday wasn't my day.  

But at the end of it I reminded myself of the things I am thankful for.  I am thankful that my husband has a great job that provides for our family.  I am thankful that we have good health insurance coverage and Am's needs are going to be taken care of.  I am thankful that we have car insurance and that I paid it (another long story) so we were covered when I hit someone else's vehicle.  I am thankful that Chick fil A suace really does taste so good.  I am thankful for healthy children.  The list goes on and on.

Last night before heading to bed I wrote down everything that was on my mind of things I need to complete before we head to China.  I literally had an 8 1/2x11 filled with to dos.  The list is a little overwhelming but today I was able to check off half of it.

It is all going to be okay.  God has everything under control.

We're heading to China in less than 2 weeks!  

20 days!!

20 days peeps.

twenty.

let that sink in.

The day goes quickly, but then it comes to this point in the evening when it crawls.  Nevermind that my bedroom is a mess and my big couch (yes, the big one) is full of laundry that needs to be folded.

Time is standing still right now.

I've made Doron's packing list, called Verizon and discovered that putting International calling on our phone plan is a better option than renting a cell phone in China, recieved 2 of my amazon purchases (more arriving tomorrow!), I've sorted out who is taking what carry ons, and I finished Doron's blanket!!

I'm excited.  And yet, IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?!?!

3 weeks from tonight we will be in China, totally exhausted yet probably unable to sleep.  3 weeks from tomorrow we'll be touring Beijing, 3 weeks from Saturday we'll go on another tour, 3 weeks from Sunday we'll fly to our province and 3 weeks from Monday we'll meet our son!!  oh my goodness.

I don't have super thought provoking words, or anything really because I'm at a complete lack of words.  All I have is a silly smile and a running list that keeps going through my head and never ends.  There is always something else to do, but sometimes I just am too excited to move.  And then I wonder, what's all this going to be like for Doron?  New faces, new places, new things everywhere, a new name - if he knew what was coming would he be excited?  He's waking up today to a day just like any other, most likely completely oblivious (other than the CD and photo album of us) that his world is changing.

Kind of makes me think of this video our girls watched when they were babies.  There was a man and a woman in it and at one point the smiled and waved at the screen.  The girls LOVED it!  Always calling the man "grandpa" and the girl "that lady" - but how would they feel if that "grandpa" and "that lady", even though the liked them on the tv, came over one day and took them away from everything they'd ever known.  I imagine that's a little how its going to be for Doron.  Except not only does he not really know us, we don't even speak his language.  (We have learned/are learning a tiny bit of Mandarin...tiny.)

As we come home there are going to be a lot of big transitions for all of us, and we must always remember that our little guy is taking all of this in from a completely different view point.  At his age he doesn't understand what he doesn't have and what he is getting, he will for awhile only understand what he has lost and been taken from.

Please pray for us.  For the next few weeks as we prepare to travel and then for the next several weeks and months and we transition into a family of 5.  We are all going to need lots of grace and patience during this time....

Love and bless you all -

Brie

Final stretch

Here we are in our final stretch to bring home Doron!

The last few weeks has been a flurry of activities and excitement and tomorrow marks 4 weeks until we meet our son!  I can't even imagine how fast these weeks will fly, yet crawl at the same time.  

I was blessed to be thrown a Blessingway a few weeks ago by my dear friends and colleages of the doula group I work with, Little Lambs.  It was such an amazing afternoon.  I was surrounded by my closest friends and the few family members that could make it and showered with blessings for our family, Doron, our trip and all the unknowns of the future.  It was an afternoon full of amazing food, good fellowship, lots of tears and lots of prayers.  I couldn't have imagined a more perfect celebration of his life past, present, and future.  

And now its weeks later (geesh, how did that happen?) and we are literally preparing to go to China!  I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that thought.  All that we've been working towards for this past year and 2 months is going to come to fruition in the next 4 weeks and our family will be united.  

I'm counting out luggage and carry-ons and measuring things.  I'm concerned about weights and too much or too little.  I notoriously overpack, unless i'm trying to conserve and then I notoriously underpack.  I've never yet found the perfect balance in 11 years of traveling to Arkansas 2-3 times a year.  I'm reminding myself that packing for international air travel is different than packing for road trips (which we are very accustomed to), and waiting till the night before is not adviseable.  I'm kicking my procrastination to the curb on this one and beginning my packing early so I can make sure I have everything we need....

Will you pray for us?  We're finishing up Am's final weeks of first grade, she is very excited that as of tomorrow she only has 2.5 weeks left of school and then we are finished and packing for China.  She's almost a second grader! These next few weeks are probably going to be even crazier than usual as we try and squeeze in a few more field trips, shop, pack, and finish up some last minute things.  I can't believe that this time is almost here, and yet - if things had gone our way, Doron would have been here for a week already.  Not our plans, but God's.  He has had things under control from the very beginning.  We are so grateful for all that he has done and is doing.  

Our journey really is only beginning when we meet Doron, getting there is just another piece of this puzzle.   

Perils of social media...

Today I got to spend some good times with some good friends.  I love when that happens.  As my friend and I chatted we remarked on just how difficult it is to have good friends.  Why is that?

A few months ago, in a desperate effort to build deeper relationships I sent this woman a facebook message asking if she wanted to be my friend.  It seriously felt wierd asking someone to be my friend, but then we actively began pursuing building a friendship.  We met for breakfast one Saturday a month becuase we are both busy moms and that's really all we could handle.  It took awhile but we kind of forced a friendship on ourselves.  We both needed it.

Turns out, we aren't the only ones feeling like we just don't have deep relationships like we used to.  As we wondered outloud about this afternoon we bounced around ideas.  We could cast the blame on busyness, or other people, or whatever - but I think one idea stood out more than others.

It was just a few years ago that we didn't all have Facebook.  When you saw a friend you'd have things to talk about because it hadn't already been seen on social media.  You'd have pictures to show, or stories to tell.  It feels like we have a lot of people we know, a little.  I have 547 friends on Facebook.  That's 547 people who already know most of what there is to know about me.  The only thing left to share is the deep down stuff.  But if I can't build a relationship by talking about the shallow things, I'll have a hard time opening up the deep things.

Another problem is that before we even get a chance to meet someone or hang out with them, or even if we've just met once or twice - we check out their Facebook page and determine who they are.  We go and "stalk" them, scouring their page of the last 2 years to see what they like or do.  We make judgements of whether or not we'd make good friends based on what they've put on the internet, and at the same time take away great opportunities for them to share about themselves and help us build those deeper relationships.  One of my dearest friends and I have very few things in common.  If you judged the two of us based on our Facebook pages you would find very little that matched in the way of interests and hobbies.  Other than being moms that love Jesus, we're very different, but we love each other deeply.  We encourage each other and lift one another up.  Facebook might not have matched us, but years of spending time together did.

Facebook isn't terrible.  It isn't bad.  It was created to connect people, not keep them from connecting.  But I wonder if sharing everything, all the time is hurting our connections more than helping them.

We kind of know a lot of people, but who do we really know?

Thoughts?

FULLY FUNDED and the joy of the Lord

The only reason I'm still up and blogging right now is because I told Z she had to go to sleep.  Which means that I didn't rock her to sleep and lay her in bed and quietly sneak out for the first time in 2 (almost 3) years.  She rolled over and pretended to go to sleep but my guess is that in about 15 minutes Crazy Legs (as I often times call her at night since those legs never seem to stop moving) will probably be up and wandering around soon.  That gives me 15 minutes to shoot out our latest adoption update and a few other random thoughts that have been circling my mind lately.

Adoption News:

The biggest news of all is that our adoption is FULLY FUNDED!!!!!!  Last year when we started this process we had full confidence that God was going to provide every single cent we needed for our adoption.  Along the way he has provided everything we needed exactly when we needed it.  But here at the end, it has seemed overwhelming to learn how to trust God and let go of our security net.  Two weeks ago we purchased our airline tickets on our credit card.  We had part of the funds to cover them, not all.  Over the weekend we received a donation to cover our airline tickets and most of our travel expenses.  Today we were able to cover our in-country expenses.  God is never slow, he is always on time. 

As we have gone through this process we have been met along the way by friends and family who have been so incredibly generous.  Some of you with your time, some of you with your abilities, some of you with your finances.  It has not ceased to amaze me in these past months just how much love we are surrounded by. We are not alone, we have a huge village supporting us. 

Winter Jam concert is coming up on Sunday evening, and although we won't be going I love thinking about the role a Winter Jam concert played in our story.  It was about 5 years ago that my husband went to a Winter Jam concert and came home with a sponsor child for our family.  He said that he just knew it was what we were supposed to do.  This concert introduced us to a great agency and our first sponsor child who has since graduated from sponsorship but who we think of and pray for often.  The next child assigned to us was a little boy from China, because of his sponsorship our eyes were opened to Foster Care in China and also the possibility of adopting from China someday.  Here we are, having planned our trip to China to go and pick up our little boy.  He isn't the little boy we sponsored for awhile but he is a little boy living in a foster care family in China.  As I was thinking about this I thought about his foster family and how much they mean to us.  Then I wondered, is there a family sponsoring our son?  So many people working together to care for our son.  I am so grateful for all of them, pouring our their love on him. 

It is strange to see how we grow and change and develop as we age.  I know I'm not even close to nearing the end of this growing and changing... it will continue as long as I continue.  Sometimes in the midst of all that is going on in our lives I have to remind myself to not be weighed down by all the responsibilities I have on me.  The last few weeks have been more stressful than usual.  It has seemed overwhelming at times.  Our house has not stayed "together", and I have found myself dwelling on the frustrating and the overwhelming. 

It has felt at times like the weight of years of loss and pain, and then having a second baby and post partum depression, and then heading into all that goes into preparing to adopt - at times I felt like I've lost my fun.  I have a good friend who is always fun.  The joy of the Lord is in her, and she lives a life of faithfulness to him.  Even when she is overwhelmed or burdened, or sick, or in a difficult circumstance - she is joyful, encouraging, and full of life.  I have thought, momentarily and at times, that if only she were still here (in Iowa) I would be fun again.  But I have to remember where my joy comes from; not from a friend who clings to the promises of God. No, her joy and my joy have to come from God; from clinging to his promises myself. 

I don't want to be old and crochety (you can be crochety at 30).  I want to be full of life, vibrant, radiating Holy Spirit and him living in me. 

Incredibly so, I have come to the end of this and our little Z is still in her own bed!  After a week of fitful nights, I may be able to sleep all night tonight!  Good night my friends, and may God bless you and give you joy.

Love,
Brie

Travel Approval and Plane Tickets!

So it's here!

Our Travel Approval arrived via FedEx this morning!  It happened like this.  For some reason Zemirah insisted on being worn on my back while I made breakfast this morning.  So I'm walking around the kitchen with a 35+lb toddler on my back and my hair pulled off to the side so she wouldn't play with it.  But then she pulls the tiny hairs on my neck and it really hurts.  I also happen to have a pimple on my neck and she kept telling me she didn't like it.  So there was much chatter and pulling and ow-ing and Am walks into the kitchen and says "here mom."  I look down and see this giant thing that looks like a graphing calculater and she's holding a pen.  "What's This?" I say.  "Where did you get this???"  My mind is spinning as to how she would have gotten a hold of one of Aaron's graphing calculators from college.  And she replies "The man at the door gave it to me.  Supposed to sign it."  "What?! THE MAN AT THE DOOR!?!?!"  Realization dawns..."oooohhhhh!  FedEx!  You can't sign this!" She counters with "No, he said YOU have to sign it!"  So a frazzled mom showed up at the door.  I relayed the story while I quickly signed and it gave him a good laugh.  Hopefully it made up for how much time he wasted by sitting at my door waiting for a 7 year old to come back with his signy thing.

Travel Approval is literally the LAST step to purchasing tickets to China!  And we did that today also!  We are so incredibly excited!

In my last post I mentioned how devastating it was to find out we would not be traveling in April.  Strangely things have turned out that it is good we can't travel then.  On Monday our damaged sewer line reminded us that it needs to be repaired, and it seems that repair will happen as soon as the ground is thawed, which may be in about 2 weeks.   On Tuesday my darling husband was diagnosed with mono, it seems the poor guy has to get worse before he gets better.  So, things are working out.

We didn't want to have to disrupt our lives for the sewer repair just after bringing Doron home, and we never could have predicted Aaron getting sick.  We are thankful we have time to get our house in order and let Aaron heal before leaving for China.

We are still fundraising for our trip (Which may be more costly than we originally anticipated) so if you know anyone who might like to help us get to China, you can send them to our puzzle fundraiser on Facebook by clicking here!  $10 sponsors 1 puzzle piece that will have your name or whatever you'd like written on the back.  You are welcome to sponsor as many pieces as you'd like.