remembering Bunnin

It was a year ago today that something didn't feel right.  More spotting, very little queazies, something felt off.  My dr. sent me for  a blood test, by 3pm I had the results.  I sat down, I hugged my (then) 3 yr old, and I let it all sink in.  My levels had dropped to nearly nothing, it could be a few days yet because of the progesterone injections, but the truth was - the baby was gone.  again. 

It's hard to understand timing, circumstances, loss.  Looking back, a year later, with a surprise miracle next to me, not quite 2 months old - it's hard to understand today's significance. 

Another loss, but without this loss - I wouldn't have this life...  I hate the paradox that these losses put me in.  I hate the loss but love the win that wouldn't have happened without them....

It's so hard to balance it all. 

So today, while I snuggle and cuddle and kiss my old bundle and my new bundle (the old one is 4 now) I'll remember Bunnin; a part of my body for just a short time, but a part of my heart forever. 

I love you, Bunnin.  I am blessed beyond measure to be your mom.