remembering Bunnin

It was a year ago today that something didn't feel right.  More spotting, very little queazies, something felt off.  My dr. sent me for  a blood test, by 3pm I had the results.  I sat down, I hugged my (then) 3 yr old, and I let it all sink in.  My levels had dropped to nearly nothing, it could be a few days yet because of the progesterone injections, but the truth was - the baby was gone.  again. 

It's hard to understand timing, circumstances, loss.  Looking back, a year later, with a surprise miracle next to me, not quite 2 months old - it's hard to understand today's significance. 

Another loss, but without this loss - I wouldn't have this life...  I hate the paradox that these losses put me in.  I hate the loss but love the win that wouldn't have happened without them....

It's so hard to balance it all. 

So today, while I snuggle and cuddle and kiss my old bundle and my new bundle (the old one is 4 now) I'll remember Bunnin; a part of my body for just a short time, but a part of my heart forever. 

I love you, Bunnin.  I am blessed beyond measure to be your mom. 

Lessons from the Garden Year 2, volume 1

Let me start with some history.

Last year, my best friend, Susan and I started a garden in my backyard.  (It provided plenty of space and sun).  I had always talked about gardening and Susan and I decided this was the year to just go for it. 

The garden ended up being an awesome place of rest and relaxation for both of us.  We both had had an incredibly stressful spring and summer and in the garden we could just think, talk, and get out some much needed aggression (on those weeds).  We spend hours out there in the beginning; tilling, planting, weeding, laying newspaper and grass, and then things began to taper off as the plants grew and the produce began to grow. 

We always wanted to write details of what we learned last year but never got around to it - so here are some basic overviews:

1) broccoli needs to be planted early and it doesn't look like store bought broccoli.  It can "bolt"  and turn into yellow flowers.

2) strawberries planted from seed probably won't come up.  :(

3) You'll get ALOT of zuccini and squash, no need to plant the whole seed packet.

4) Plant the peas earlier and you'll get a longer crop, the heat really zaps them.

5) you'll need more green beans.


So - with that, here we go.

This year we planted a larger garden than last year.  We thought last year's was so easy and fun, why not??

Here's why not. 

1) When we tilled I was 36 weeks pregnant, when we planted I was 38 weeks pregnant, when peek weeding needed to be done I was having a baby, and when harvest was ready I had a 3 week old.  What hugely pregnant lady wants to be bending over that much planting?  Who with a newborn in the middle of summer can get out to the garden enough to weed and harvest?  I have hated the garden from 38 weeks.  I'm starting to appreciate it for its food giving possibilities.

2) Neither Susan nor I are nearly as stressed as we were last summer.  Which means, we don't really need our "garden therapy" like we did last year.  Infact, we they opposite of stressed, we're busy because we're not stressed.  Which makes gardening time consuming.

Okay, now on to the rest of it.

- Something went wrong with our green beans.  Last year we planted "bush beans" and they came up in neat little bushes that produced lots of green beans.  However, it wasn't enough so this year instead of 1 row of beans we planted 3.  But they aren't neat little plants, they're weird bush things that grew together so in order to weed or pick beans you have to seperate them all to find the path in between.  very frustrating.

- the peas grew higher than our fence again.  Probably because we didn't ever add the second row of chicken wire, and now they're falling all over the beans and broccoli.  oh well... they're almost done and then I'm ripping them out.  They're driving me crazy!!!

- I learned from my 9 year old niece that broccoli is actually a flower.  Which means, all those flowers we got last year??  if we'd picked them earlier we would have had broccoli.  oy, well, found this out a little late this year but still got a decent amount of broccoli, just not as much as we could have.

- We accidentally planted cucumbers, squash, and zuccini too close together this year.  Which means the poor cucumbers are getting NO sun, because they squash leaves are covering them.  Not sure how well they'll do this year.

- We planted Strawberries in their own fenced in area from plants (not seeds this year) and they are doing pretty well.  We even got 1 strawberry for our first year, didn't eat it though.

- We did spinach instead of lettuce.  Last years lettuce was a major disaster!  The spinach has tasted wonderful though and makes incredible salads!  Way better than store bought!!

- Carrots are coming up.  My 4 year old keeps pulling them to see if they're ready.  Might have a problem with the carrot crop this year bc of this...

- green onions are doing well!!

- we have 7 tomato plants!  I'm not sure what they all are though!  We bought 3 of our own to plant and the rest were given to us without knowledge as to what they are - so that will be a surprise!  So far we have atleast 2 grape tomato plants...

I think I made it all the way around the garden!!

Last night while dripping in sweat and being torn up by zuccini and squash leaves I found a snake skin out side my garden fence!  I screamed - and then had to play it off to my 4 yr old like it was no big deal.  But oh my goodness, I HATE snakes! I may not enter the garden again barefoot.  I was glad I had boots and gloves when I found that.  A few weeks ago I saw a mouse entering the garden from our compost pile.  I think that means we need to flip it.  I've been really bad about flipping it since I'm so limited on time in the garden.  I'm literally feeding the baby and running out there to work on it until my husband says she's hungry again.  Not a whole lot of time for menial jobs like "flipping the compost"!  Just kidding, its important. 

I got eaten up by bugs too.  If you don't like bugs, don't garden, or pretend like you don't see them, hear them, or feeling them on you...  eck.  I don't like bugs.  It's very hard to pretend.

I've been trying to conquer a weed situation that got out of control.  Its taking several trips to the garden to do so.  I'll probably need to go back out there tonight, if my husband will let me.  Although he keeps saying he needs to mow, and he does... but the garden needs attention! 

I just don't want to take the baby out in this heat...

And so begins the garden stories...  lets hope they're not too jumbled since they are just a gathering of my messy thoughts while gardening.

The Birth of Zemirah Hope - the long version

The birth of Zemirah Hope

5-21-12

11:27 am

6lbs 6.6 oz

19 ¼ in

My water broke (much to my dismay) at 2:45pm on my due date, May 20 and with no contractions to accompany this squirt (not quite a gush, more than a leak) of fluid from my… you know…, the hubs and I set out on a walk.  My parents had arrived with their camper just two days before and so we left our 4 yr old with them and quickly snuck out before anyone could gather that something might be up.  I called my doula to let her know my water broke and told her I would walk awhile to see if anything started up.  I decided to wait to call my midwife *hoping* that something might happen by the time I called her. 

So we went for our walk… and an hour later… nothing.  Seriously, if I thought about it I might have had a mild cramp 8 minutes apart, maybe, but really it was hard to tell.  I called my midwife to let her know my water had broke, but she was in a delivery and the answering service said they’d have her call me back.  About an hour later she called me back and I still was feeling nothing… NOTHING… I was very irritated.  So I let my midwife know that I’d take a shower, eat some dinner, and then head on in to the hospital.  She told me to come when I was ready and to do some nipple stimulation on the way in. 

So, I showered, ate some delicious spaghetti, and we headed to the hospital.  We arrived about 6:30 and my contractions, with the nipple stimulation, had picked up to about 3-4 minutes apart, which would have been great if they were painful, but they really weren’t that painful although they took a little more focus than before. 

At the hospital my midwife was amazing.  Amazing.  AMAZING!  She first told me I looked too happy – which I was well aware of, and very unhappy about-  but upon entering my room she told my nurse that we had already talked about vaginal checks and I didn’t need to have any and so – guess what – I didn’t have any!  Well, not right then anyway.  I put on my own comfortable labor clothes that I’d brought from home, cozy t-shirt and comfy skirt from target, and they got my IV of penicillin started because I was group B positive.  I had my doula come at about 8:30pm since I was starting to feel some stronger contractions and was focusing a little more through them.  I was sure that labor was going to start up soon…it had to… right?

So we walked, and walked, and walked.  And then my feet got tired so we came back to the room and sat on the ball and did some nipple stimulation.

My midwife came in later and started the conversation with “Here’s what I usually do in these situations where the water breaks and no contractions come…”  I thought “oh no, here comes the Pitocin.”, but I was wrong.  And she continued, “If by 11:30 or 12 nothing has started, I think everyone should try and get some sleep and we’ll start again in the morning, with either more nipple stimulation or the breast pump.”  I thought – Thank you for not saying Pitocin.  And she never did.  Accept once to tell me that the topic on their midwife board that day was about the evils of Pitocin, I agreed, very evil – and although it may be used for good in some circumstances, it wasn’t necessary for me.

Anyway, so 11:30 came, and well, I was tired – so we all went to bed ; my husband on the futon in my room, my mom in the rocking chair and my doula in the family waiting room. 

Around 4:15am my contractions, although still spaced out were getting more intense although I was still handling them very well on my own.  I needed to use the rest room so my nurse came to help me and I decided that since I was no longer sleeping I would sit on the ball and do some nipple stimulation to see if I can get them closer together.  Around 4:30 my moaning got to be disturbing to the still sleeping hubs - who then got up and started rubbing my back and played my labor music (good job, babe!)  My poor mother, although I wanted her there for support, I didn’t really allow her to say or do anything… so she just sat there. 

Around 5am I asked for my doula, so my husband gave her a call and she was there pretty quickly.  She suggested I continue the nipple stimulation in the shower with the sprayer on my back, which was amazing.  My contractions were definitely picking up in intensity as I was starting to enter active labor.  However, my contractions were still only 4-5 min apart.  There was a shift change around 7am and I was blessed with the world’s best nurse (my other nurse was great but this one recently graduated with her CNM and would be entering my midwife’s practice in the fall… it was seriously like have 2 midwives. Amazing.)   

I went back to the shower.  During one of the breaks when they checked fetal heart tones during contractions they noticed the baby’s heart rate was dipping during contractions.  Since I hadn’t had any checks my midwife asked to check my progress and make sure baby was compressing the umbilical cord during contractions.  I said that was fine and she checked me.  In our prenatal visits I had made it clear to my midwife that I did not want to know how far dilated I was during labor.  I remember from my first birth mentally tying myself to that number and knowing how much it affected me.  So when my midwife checked me and asked me if I wanted to know how far I was I said “only if its super awesome.”  She said “I think its pretty good”  to which I replied “is it a 6?”  Then she kind of laughed and said “no you’re still early” and I was glad she didn’t say anything more.  (I found out later that I was almost a 3 at this point…I think I would have cried if I’d known that.  Not tears of joy.)

Baby’s head was not compressing the umbilical cord and she told me my right side would bring baby.  So I reluctantly, because it was oh-so-painful, rolled onto my right side.  It was during these next few contractions that the reality of having another baby began to dawn on me.  For so long I had realized physically that I was having another child, but had not processed internally what was really about to happen.  For years I had begun to believe it wasn’t possible, but here it was, coming quickly.  And in those moments, I started to cry, but I did so quietly and not to be seen – Aaron wasn’t there at the moment and I really didn’t want to take the time to explain to my doula and nurse that I was crying about the reality of the baby and not because of the pain… Then another contraction hit and I said “Why do we have babies?!?!?”  So, it was a short lived moment, but pivotal for me, because I needed that realization to hit me.

My midwife had also said that I needed to be doing nipple stimulation in between EVERY contraction so as to get my contractions 2-3 minutes apart.  I thought that that was like torture, but if it kept me off pit I would do anything… so I did.

My midwife had done what she could to make sure the hospital’s tub room was available and now in active labor, they moved me down the hall to the tub room.  And that warm beautiful water was GLORIOUS!

My husband and I went head-to-head in the tub, him helping me moan through contractions from the outside.  In between I would rest and he would do the nipple stimulation for me.  It was so nice to not have to be in control of that and allowing myself to not think for a few minutes.  I had to get out of the tub a couple of times so they could monitor the baby’s heart rate during a contraction.  This was annoying, but I did it.  After one such monitoring I headed back to the tub but stopped to go potty on the way.  I sat down on the toilet and couldn’t go but began having really intense contractions that kept coming on top of each other. 

I began to feel shaky, nauseous, hot, then cold, then hot again, and my contractions started having 2-3 peaks in them.  I could feel myself entering transition and even though I didn’t know the “number” I knew what my body was doing and I was thankful we were in a final stretch… even if it was just starting.  I was feeling a lot of pressure in my bottom at the peak of contractions, I knew I wasn’t pushing but it was hard to keep myself sitting on the toilet as I felt this pain come down and my instinct would shoot me up to standing.  I tried to remind myself to relax through it and let my body do what it needed to do.

I’m not sure how long these contractions lasted before my awesome nurse asked to check me.  My midwife wasn’t due to come back until noon and she needed to know if she should call her sooner.  She said “noon” and I completely frieked out.  Like “noon” was the farthest time away ever!  I actually have no idea what time it really was at this point, but “noon” was really far away for me.  So J checked me and I asked her not to tell me the number.  She tried to convince me that it was just a number and didn’t actually mean anything, which I knew to be true, but I knew that at that point anything she told me less than “10 – you can push” (which I knew I wasn’t and I didn’t need to push) just wasn’t going to make me happy.  So I continued to labor oblivious as to my dilation.  My doula informed me later that I was a 5 (another one of those, soooo glad you didn’t tell me moments).  And I went back to the toilet to labor awhile longer.

After another baby monitoring session I began to labor while standing against my husband and letting him hold my weight while I squatted during contractions.  This worked for a few contractions before my husband just couldn’t take my weight anymore and my doula suggested squatting against the bed.  This was great! 

I was able to lean in and squat against the bed during contractions and rest back on my bum when they were over.  It was during these contractions that I really started feeling the urge to push.  I started screaming during contractions “I’m pooping!  I’m so sorry I’m pooping!” or similarly “I’m pushing!  I’m so sorry I’m pushing!”  I kept saying that during every.single.contraction.  My husband laughs about it now, and I do too, but I really did think I was pooping! 

This was my favorite part of labor, because the contractions were incredibly intense, however the breaks were so freeing.  When the contractions were over I just felt completely relaxed – maybe it was me knowing that this was almost over, maybe its just the way things are, either way – this was my favorite part of labor.  My doula was to my right putting pressure on my back, my husband was behind me, and my mom to my left.  My mom says that the room was freezing cold and she liked putting her hand on my back because I was so hot.  I liked having her cold hand on my back because it felt so good!

After a few of these contractions J informed me that I was making a lot of pushing noises and she would like to check me again, to see if she needed to call my midwife.

Somehow, I don’t know how, but somehow they got me onto the bed so she could check me.  And then I heard her say to my doula “can you go tell them out there that I need some help in here?” and then she said to me “Brie, I’m going to need you to roll onto your side.”  And I thought to myself ‘Praise God!’  I knew these things from my own doula experience 1.) the nurse needing help means she quite possibly might be delivering this baby (not my ideal, but right now I just don’t care how this baby comes out, she’s coming out) and 2.) laying on your side slows a rapidly progressing labor…  oh yea.  Baby is coming out!

And then I had another contraction and, ohmygosh, my body started pushing again.  And suddenly everyone was saying “Rita is here!  It’s okay!”  Then my lovely midwife sat down on my bed to check me.  I had just a little bit of cervix in the way and she told me she wanted me to push with my next contraction and she was going to move it out of the way.  So I did and then my midwife said “Umm, I needed a birth table like 4 minutes ago.” and then I pushed again, and wow, that felt amazing! 

I felt the baby move down the birth canal and it was so glorious!  My little girl’s hand was coming out first so they had me slow down pushing so they could ease her hand out of the way and let her head come out.  I felt a tiny bit of burning at crowning, but seriously, nothing compared to contractions and before I knew it I was touching her head, she was born, and I was pulling her up to my chest. 

She was beautiful, totally perfect.  6 lbs 6 oz, 19 ¼ in long.  We were wrapped together and my snuggly little baby laid on me for well over an hour.  We nursed, we cuddled; it was amazing.

My placenta came out “dirty Duncan" which means, nasty -not shiny - side up. This means it separated from the sides first and not the center, increasing a risk of parts being left inside or postpartum hemorrhage, neither of which occurred for me. 

My daughter arrived with her other grandmother shortly after and my dad shortly after them.  It was so nice to have so many family there at this important time in our lives. 

It was amazing.  The whole experience was totally incredible.  Wow, and retelling it right now makes me want to do it all again.  My doula informed me that I went from 5-10 cm in dilation in half an hour.  Which, frankly, totally shocks me, it felt like longer at the time. 

It has been 6 ½ whirlwind weeks and I am so in love with this little baby.  Am has taken well to being a big sister and we are finally settling into some semblance of a routine. 

This story is as accurate as I can remember – I’m sure there are details here and there that I have messed up. 

This was my perfect birth J